Artie Challenge
Artie Files: Cheer Squad
As dictated to Neo-Queen Terra of Crystal Tokyo, Fashion Reporter for the
Lawndale Lowdown from the ramblings of Artie.
Disclaimer: I don't own Daria in any way.
EDITOR'S NOTE-
This is the official version of Mr. Arthur's ordeal, though it is not exactly
as Mr. Arthur originally explained it to us. This article is what we are able
to release to the literate public only after extensive cross-referencing on the
night's events with members of the Lawndale High cheerleading squad (and choice
pep squad members) as well as a Maxi-Mart clerk, and Mr. Arthur's alternative
voice programming. While officially we have never had any reason to doubt Mr.
Arthur's mental well being all this double checking was required since it seems
he recited this story to Ms. Terra backwards and in pig Latin, which
unfortunately was also en espanol. A special thanks is in order to Jodie
Abigail Landon for deciphering our original tapes of the conversation. On a
related note, we will never again interview someone after his/her second can of
Red Bull.
-A. Bakken, Lowdown Editor-in-Chief
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It was like every other day in my life. I was on a normal delivery
which means that around every corner were aliens waiting to probed any
human beings' brain, so to keep them away from my precious mind, I
popped in my anti-alien tape. I felt safe as the tape started to play.
"If you don't have a car
Or your present one sucks
Go to Happy Herb
With a few thousand bucks"
What calm came over me when I heard that song! Now no evil aliens would
dare come close to my car. The music scares them as much as they scare me and
they scare me a lot!
It only took a couple of minutes to reach my destination. I scoped out the area
to make sure there was no one out there to get me. It was only then when I knew
that I was completely safe so I turned off my engine and got out of the car.
Slowly I walked to the door with the order of four pizzas with an eye
on my surroundings at all times. As I got nearer to the door, I heard
this strange music from inside, but it was too hard to recognizes from
this side of the door. I gently pressed the doorbell as I looked over
my shoulder.
As the door opened fear pierced my heart. The sounds, the music, the
cheerleaders...
"Hey the pizza's here!" said the brunette clad in LHS blue and gold.
"Yeah!" said one with blonde hair, "I was getting hungry and
stuff."
"So how much do I own you?" said the first one.
But words couldn't come out of my mouth. I knew what they were doing
and it scared me. I was frozen by the Call!
They were trying to call their mothership with their music and ritual
dancing and also preparing for war with the face paint!
"Um... how much like is the pizza?" the first one asked again.
"You're not getting my brain!" I told her.
"Um. We don't want like your brain," the blonde one said as she
twirled
one of her pigtails, "We um like want our pizza like you know."
"So how like much is the pizza?" the brown hair one said.
"Like just give him some money," the blonde one said, "And maybe
he
would like go away."
"But how much?"
"Let me see, there's like 4 pizza and um.... How much is like a
pizza?"
"I don't like really know," the brown hair one said.
"Does anyone like know how much a pizza is?" said the blonde one to
the
other cheerleaders in the living room.
"Um... I think it's like 5 dollars," said a red head one.
"Are you like sure?" the blonde asked.
"I like think so," the red hair one replied back.
"Oh, okay," the blonde one said, "So like 4 time 5 is like
um?"
"Like 25," the brown hair one said.
"Don't like forget the tip," said other one of them.
"Like how much is the like the tip?"
"My mom like told me it's like 10 percent of like the price."
"But how much is like 10 percent, or something?" the blonde asked as
she twirled her hair again.
"Um...like 5 dollars?" the red hair one replied.
"Oh okay," the brown hair one said as she picked up her purse and
pulled out her wallet. She pulled out three bills and handed them to
me.
The blonde took the pizza from me and then some other took the boxes
from her. That was the last image of the inside the house I saw because
they shut the door and when they did, I bolted out of there. I knew if
I stayed on more minute that they would take me hostage and make me
their love slave.
I got into the car and turned on the engine. I knew I was safe once again when
I heard those sweet words coming out of the working speaker.
"So go buy a car
Buy a damn car
Hit the road to nowhere
In your Happy Herb Car"
And I drove off into the starless night to the next delivery.