(Opening sequence. Music: "You're Standing On My Neck", Splendora
Ms Li's office. Daria and Lynn looking at each other with identical looks of assessment and deadpan curiosity.
Cullen house, exterior. AP drops to his knees and begins to salaam to Daria and Lynn, who are peering out an upstairs window.
LHS classroom. Daria, Jane and Lynn stand in a doorway, smirking. Jane carries a Polaroid camera.
Lane house, exterior. Daria, wearing a white peasant blouse, green half-corset, black skirt and black cloak with green satin lining [no glasses] stares in shock at Lynn, who wears an identical outfit bar the colour of the cloak lining and half-corset [purple] and an equally shocked look.
LHS corridor. Daria and Jane watched with bemusement as DeMartino drags a screaming Lynn past them by her ear.
LHS gymnasium. On a stage rigged at one end, Trent rams his guitar through a bass drum.
Science lab. AP, wearing safety goggles, pushes a button and ducks under the desk an instant before the model of Lawndale High that graces that desk blows up.
LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP watch, smirking, as Ms Li is dragged down the hall handcuffed to a policeman. A camera crew whose equipment bears the Sick Sad World logo follows behind them.
Daria and Lynn side-by-side again, smirking slightly. As the original montage sequence, the camera pulls in and then out again to reveal two interlocking circles; one contains the Daria logo and the other contains a corresponding 'Lynn' version. Underneath are the words: "Daria in…"
THE FLACK-JACKET MAFIA
A Daria Fan Fiction [LAS 1:13]
(Scene: Morgendorffer house, exterior, night. Music: "Strange Mariah" by Spindra. Quinn saunters dreamily down the walk.)
Daria: (OS) Well, well. Running a little behind, aren't we?
Quinn: (panic) Omigod! I … Ted and I were looking at the stars in the park and I...1
(We cut to Quinn's point of view to see Daria leaning out a window.)
Daria: (sigh) You KNOW what Mom said would happen the next time she caught you out after ten on a school night.
Quinn: (panicked) Omigod, omigod, omigod…
Daria: (sigh) I don't plan on making a habit of this, Quinn, but … go around to the back of the house, count to ten, and then come in. I'll distract the parental units.
Quinn: (stunned) WHAT?
Daria: Move, candy-fluff. (deadpan) Or you get grounded for the rest of your life with nothing but my books for company.2
(Quinn complies immediately)
(Scene: Morgendorffer living room. Helen pacing around outside the front door. Daria comes downstairs and looks at her.)
Daria: Expecting visitors?
Helen: (angry) I'm waiting for your sister, Daria. And you DON'T want to be here when I get hold of her. She will see her COLLEGE graduation from that bedroom window she's so fond of sneaking in and out of!
Daria: Quinn came home about a half-hour ago. You were in the shower. Didn't Dad tell you?
Helen: (wary; with the "oh, my God, I'm a bad mother" look on her face) You're saying Quinn's been in the house all this time and I haven't noticed?
Daria: (shrug, thinks fast) Well, not strictly IN the house. She went into the backyard to check out some constellations. I hear she's really into stargazing these days.
(Quinn enters.)
Quinn: (tentative) Um … hi…
Helen: (kind) Hi, Quinn. How was your astronomy?
(Quinn looks at Daria. Daria nods VERY slightly. Quinn shrugs.)
Quinn: It was okay, Mom. It got a bit cold, but I had fun. I'm ready for bed now, though. 'Night.
Helen: (still kind) 'Night, Quinn.
(Quinn goes upstairs.)
Daria: (wry) Nice save, Supermom.
Helen: (defensive) Well, I can't be expected to mind EVERYONE around here!
(There is a crash from above, and Jake's voice floats down from the upstairs.)
Jake: (OS) HELEN! GOD, FETCH THE JAWS OF LIFE!
Helen: (sigh) I have enough on my plate with ONE overgrown child…
(Daria smirks.)
(Scene: LHS corridor. Daria is talking to Lynn, who is standing on a pile of books while taping a piece of paper to the top of her locker door. The stack of books is badly balanced and is weaving slightly. Consequently, so is Lynn.)
Lynn: So you bailed out Narcissa? Are the nail polish fumes from her room finally going to your head?
Daria: Well, I'm actually trying to encourage this budding relationship with Ted. After all, she blew the Fashion Club to hell for him. I'm interested to see what other changes happen with him in her life.
Lynn: (snicker; steps off pile of books) Well, if he couldn't have ONE Morgendorffer...3
Daria: (glares) Ha, ha. I've got enough men in my life to worry about, thank you.
Lynn: (stashing books in locker) Did you ever take AP up on his "date-thing" offer?
Daria: (blush) Not yet. I've never been on a real date before and don't know what it'll be like.
Lynn: (raised eyebrow) We're talking about AP here. I know him well. You will be whisked away for a romantic dinner for two at the BSE-burger purveyor of your choice, followed by blowing the virtual genitals off things in the local video arcade. If you're REALLY lucky, he will spring for a trip to the movie theatre to see The Phantom Menace for the fifty-third time … may the hype die and be forever buried. (slams locker shut) No problem.
Daria: (thoughtful) That sounds harmless. Maybe I SHOULD take him up on it.
(Enter Jane.)
Jane: Take who up on what?
Daria: (to Lynn) You tell her. I left my notebook in the computer lab. Later.
(Exit Daria. Jane looks at Lynn expectantly.)
Lynn: AP. Date-thing.
Jane: (moan) Aw, man. That leaves me alone in the house with Trent. You can't subject me to this torture; whenever Daria's not around, he starts playing sad music … and he doesn't know enough chords to do it properly. How many times can I listen to "Without You I'm Nothing" without being sick?
Lynn: (thinks) Probably longer than I could.
Jane: (whine) You're the devious one. Can YOU think of a way to stop Trent's mangling of romantic slush?
Lynn: (considers) Well … you could tell him about the potential Daria/AP date-thing. That would probably make him trash his guitar again and you'd have peace until he could afford a new one.4
(Jane glares at her)
Lynn: (conceding) …Or I could go talk him around. That IS what you hoped I'd say, isn't it?
Jane: And you fell ever-so-neatly into my trap, too.
Lynn: Former life as a trapdoor spider?
Jane: (smirk) Well, that's one up from a barnacle...5
(Scene: LHS computer room. Daria walks in and approaches a desk in the far corner, where a notebook rests. Then a voice cries:)
AP: (OS) Hey, Erudite Emerald!
(AP pops up from behind a computer and makes his way towards where Daria is.)
Daria: (blush) Hey.
AP: (shy) So … any thought to the date-thing?
Daria: (blush) Um…
AP: Hey, no pressure. I…
(Jodie pokes her head into the room. She looks a bit wild-eyed.)
Jodie: Have you two been past the bulletin board today?
Daria: (suspicious) No… Why?
Jodie: (trapped) Um … I … (sigh) I think you ought to see for yourself.
(Scene: LHS corridor. Lynn and Jane are staring at the bulletin board, completely deadpan. Daria and AP join them and for a moment they stand there in a row – Lynn, Jane, Daria and AP from left to right – just staring at a notice we cannot see.)
Lynn: (deadpan) Damn. Someone up there really cannot take a joke.6
Jane: (faux dismissive) I don't even WEAR a flack jacket.
Daria: (monotone) Great. Now I'm a ringleader.
AP: (pensively) Does anyone else see the irony of Ms Li persecuting so-called Neo-Nazis?
(We see the notice at last. It looks very much like a wanted poster for the four. It bears the title "THE FLACK-JACKET MAFIA" in big black block capitals across the top. Unclear writing below each picture indicates a dossier on each of them.)
Lynn: (mutter) This sucks…
Daria: (frowning slightly) No, sorry, I WAS the ringleader … then Lynn came and usurped me.
Lynn: (a little clearer) … and bites…
Jane: (pernickety) I mean, it's just a man's shirt!
Lynn: (angry hiss) … and utterly, utterly BLOWS!
AP: (looking at her nervously) Lynn? Blowing your stack is NOT going to help our case any…
Daria: (concerned) Is she okay?
Jane: (more interested than concerned) Yeah, she's turning a really weird shade of maroon…
AP: This happens … but I've never seen her this bad. (to Lynn; soothing) Come on, Lynn, chill, okay? Don't give the Nazi Jackboot the satisfaction…
Daria: (nervous) When you say 'this happens'…
AP: (to Jane) You're an artist; you'd be familiar with the idea of an emotional landscape?
Jane: (suspicious) Yeah…
AP: (matter-of-fact) Well, Lynn's contains a number of EXTREMELY active volcanoes. (to Lynn; exasperated) Oh, for … VENT, Lynn. Vent before you have a stroke.
(There is a moment of silence while Lynn silently seethes. Then…)
Lynn: (yelling) I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANYMORE!
(That vented, Lynn just stands there, fists clenched, breathing hard.)
Daria: (wide-eyed) Whoa. You weren't kidding.
AP: (to Lynn) Feel better?
Lynn: (hiss) I … want … revenge. (beat) You remember the information I was saving back for an emergency?7
Jane: The deadly ace? The death card?
Lynn: (eyes narrowed) Well, it's time to use it.
Daria: (tentative) You're not going to … kill her, are you?
Lynn: (small smile) Nope. I have better ways to spend my life than behind bars. Discredit her, embarrass her, strip her of all power and probably get her arrested … but not kill her. (beat; puts a hand out, palm down) Who's with me?
AP: (manic grin) All the way, Purple Peril! (puts his hand on Lynn's)
Jane: (considers) Why not? I had nothing else planned… (puts her hand on AP's)
(Jane, Lynn and AP look at Daria. She looks back stoically.)
Daria: (after a pause) Oh … what the hell. (puts her hand on top of Jane's)
AP: So … do we have a plan?
(Lynn frowns for a moment, then looks up with an evil smile)
Lynn: Indeed. (looks around) I hate to sound paranoid, but…
Daria: (deadpan) Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they haven't bugged the school.
Lynn: (sigh) I'd laugh at that if it weren't so true. My house?
Jane: How many times is Subversion Is We going to save our butts?
Lynn: (smirk) We're going a little further than READING this time…
(Begin montage sequence. Music: "Here" by Vast.
LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP walking.
Daria's locker. As in opening sequence, Daria sees Kevin leaning on her locker, talking to Brittany. She reaches into her jacket for her whistle, but Kevin catches the movement and runs as if she has pulled a gun. Daria looks at the whistle, shrugs and opens her locker.
Art class. Ms Defoe watches nervously as Jane uses a sculptor's knife. Jane looks at her and raises an eyebrow – "what?" – and Defoe looks away, nervous.
Computer lab. AP is sitting at the computer and types in a password. Close up of the screen – "Password Locked Out". AP scowls at the machine.
LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are standing in a line by the lockers. Ms Li is poking around in an open locker – the Hindenburg poster shows it to be Daria's. Obviously a spot locker check.
Library. Lynn goes up to the checkout desk with a book titled "The Nazi Death Camps – What School History Books Won't Tell". The librarian looks at her nervously and shakes her head. Lynn scowls, slams the book down and walks away.
Art class. Jane stands in front of a half-finished sculpture. She looks around for a sculpting knife. Close up on a drawer in a cabinet on the near side of the room. It has a padlock on it. Jane scowls at Defoe, who has a key around her neck and is watching Jane with a combination of fear and sympathy.
LHS corridor. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP walking. Sandi and Tiffany, who are walking and chatting in front of them, rush out of the way, tripping over each other in their haste. The foursome glares at them and moves on. End montage.)
(Scene: Daria's room. Daria is doing homework at her desk. Quinn pops her head around the door.)
Quinn: (hopeful) Daria, I wanted to get a new dress for my date with Ted tomorrow and I'm REALLY broke right now … so am I ready to learn how to get more money out of Mom?8
Daria: (sigh; morose) I'd wait a few weeks. The teacher I had in mind's not in the best of mental states right now.
Quinn: Is that the girl that looks like you?
Daria: (nods) Her name is Lynn. You saw the poster, I guess.
Quinn: Oh, yeah. The whole school has. Everyone's really scared of you guys now. (tentative) They say you and Lynn drove Mr O'Neill nuts.
Daria: (sigh) That would explain the weird looks I've been getting from the teachers.
Quinn: (curious) Did that AP guy REALLY kill a teacher at his old school?
Daria: (moan) Oh, God, and we're on the rumour mill. No, AP didn't kill anyone; he just made the man go postal.9
Quinn: (nods sagely) So you're NOT a gang.
Daria: Not a gang, not a clique, not a club or cohesive group of any kind. We have no hidden agenda. (thinks) Well, we didn't USED to, anyway.
(Quinn stares at Daria, who shrugs and turns back to her homework.)
(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Good God" by Korn. Daria is standing by her locker, looking through it. Jodie approaches nervously.)
Jodie: (tremulous) Hey, Daria.
Daria: (exasperated) Not you too. Jodie, YOU know that stuff on the poster is total fabrication.
Jodie: (sigh) Yeah, but … well, the rumours have started up.
Daria: (sigh) I heard. (beat) What this time?
Jodie: That AP is planning on using the plan he came up with to blow up the school for real.10
(Enter Jane. She looks a bit shaken. Jodie takes this excuse to run like the wind.)
Daria: What's wrong?
Jane: I just got approached by Upchuck.
Daria: (frown) What's so new about that?
Jane: For one thing, he's been scared of us since Lynn's first day.11
Daria: (smirk) Threats of castration will do that to a man.
Jane: And for another thing, he kept talking about a menage a trois.
Daria: (raised eyebrow) WHAT?
Jane: (shrug) Word got around that, while you're AP's moll, I have a "thing" for Lynn. Upchuck wants to join us for a "romp".
Daria: (sigh) So I'm a moll now. Great. (beat) Who's starting these rumours anyway?
Jane: (shrug) Well, THAT one's not going any further anyway. Lynn got to him first, and those extremely active volcanoes in her emotional landscape took him out, BIG time.
Daria: (wide-eyed) And she's not here because…
Jane: (rueful smirk) Ms Li's office.
(Enter Lynn, looking immensely pleased with herself.)
Lynn: Well, THAT went according to plan.
Daria: You PLANNED to get hauled up on the carpet?
Lynn: Happy accident. I was pretty sure that, with the rumours flying everywhere, I'd have cause to beat SOMEONE up over them. (smirk) The fact that it was Hefner's Folly was an added bonus.
Jane: So why'd you want Ms Li to scream at you? (smirk) Masochistic tendencies finally showing up?
Lynn: (raised eyebrow) What do you mean, FINALLY? (beat) I wanted a good look at the surveillance gear in her office. I don't want any nasty surprises after hours.
Daria: What ARE we doing, anyway? We talked about a lot of things, but you never gave us your ace in the hole.
Lynn: (sigh) I want to leave you guys out of it as much as possible for now. If I go down, I'm not interested in taking you with me.
Jane: One question… Why did we have to track down the offices of Sick Sad World?12
Lynn: (smirk) Did you ever want to be on television?
(Daria and Jane look questioningly at each other. Lynn crosses her arms and smirks.)
(Scene: LHS exterior, night. Music: "Heroes" by Ministry. Daria and Jane are standing beside a utility pole. Both are wearing black.)
Daria: Why are we here, exactly?
Jane: Lynn said to meet her here. Are YOU going to argue with her?
Daria: I guess not. I don't want AP and I to be labelled the latter-day Bonnie and Clyde until my senior year. Notoriety gives me hives.
Jane: (smirk) I thought that was just my brother.13
Daria: (frown) Jane, have you been comatose the last few weeks?
Jane: (shrug) Sorry. Force of habit.
(A Doc Marten falls out of the sky at this point, hitting Jane on the head.)
Jane: OW!
Daria: (smirk) Divine retribution?
Lynn: (OS) Indeed. Grovel before me whenever you're ready.
(Daria and Jane look up. Lynn, dressed in black and wearing a bulging book bag, is at the top of the utility pole. She is missing one boot and smirking.)
Daria: What are you doing up there?
Lynn: Reconnaissance.
Jane: (rubbing her head) Next time, wear sneakers or something, okay? Those things HURT!
Lynn: Hence the name of shit-kickers…
(Lynn comes down off the utility pole and puts her boot back on.)
Daria: So what's the plan?
Lynn: We go in, get the information we need, wipe all evidence of our passing and leave. Then we put the information together and drop a tape off at the offices of our favourite TV show. After that … (evil grin) we just sit back and watch the fun.
Jane: And how do you plan to do THAT? The place is locked tight.
Lynn: Two things. One… (removes lock-picking equipment from book bag) A skeleton key. Two…
(AP ambles around a corner)
AP: Hello, fellow conspirators!
Lynn: A code-breaker.
(Scene: Ms Li's office. Music plays on. A flashlight beam shines in. A moment later, Daria, Lynn, Jane and AP walk into the room. They turn on the lights as they enter.)
AP: (smug) Man, that was almost TOO easy!
Lynn: Don't SAY things like that! If you THINK they're too easy, they usually have been. (beat) AP, you and Jane go find the control room for the surveillance cameras. Turn everything off. Wipe EVERYTHING. Clean off any fingerprints and make it look as accidental as you can. And you KNOW what to do if you run into the sniffer dogs.14
Jane: (smirk) Bet you wish you'd had that stuff back at The Horn Dog, Lynn.15
Lynn: (firm) Execute plan to kill Ms Li's career now. Mock me and my misfortunes later. MOVE!
(Exit Jane and AP. Daria and Lynn go wandering through Ms Li's office. Lynn sets her book bag down on the desk and removes a digital video camera.)
Daria: What are we looking for?
Lynn: (spying something at the corner of the room) That. (beat) Hand me your glasses.
Daria: (taken aback) WHAT?
Lynn: (firm) Hand … me … your … glasses. (beat) Look, I know what I'm doing. Trust me. (Daria looks at Lynn scathingly; Lynn sighs) Even if it IS only marginally farther than you can throw me. (Daria sighs and hands over her glasses. Lynn assessed the effect) Better … now tie your hair back. (hauls a scrunchie out of her pocket.)
Daria: (warning) Lynn…
(Scene: LHS corridor. Music plays on. AP and Jane are skulking through it.)
Jane: We turned off the cameras. Why are we skulking?
AP: (confused) 'Skulking'?
Jane: You know … creeping, sneaking … don't you KNOW the word?
AP: (defensive) Hey … I code for fun. I don't NEED "the word".
Jane: (sigh) Why Daria's bothering with YOU I'll never know…
(They approach the door to Ms Li's office.)
AP: What do you think they're DOING in there, anyway?
Jane: She wouldn't tell YOU either, huh?
AP: Hey … Purple Peril walks alone.
(They hear a rather loud electronic squealing noise, and a few miserable gurgles. Jane and AP look at each other.)
AP: (scared) Um…
Jane: (scared) You go in first.
AP: (firm) Huh-uh. Together.
(They open the door. The electronic squealing gets louder, as do the tortured gurgles. Jane and AP slam the door shut.)
Jane: (wide-eyed) Are YOU gonna ask?
AP: (wide-eyed) No way.
(Scene: LHS exterior. Music plays on. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP walking away. They reach Lynn's Mercedes. Lynn goes to the trunk and puts her book bag in. Jane and AP are staring at her. She finally notices and looks up.)
Lynn: (annoyed) Will you stop STARING at me like that?
AP: Y'know, I could almost HEAR you saying "this cynic wouldn't voom if you put four million volts through her…" It was the Fuzz-Wuzz eulogy all over again.16
Lynn: (sigh) That's going to haunt me for the rest of my life, isn't it. (beat) Daria, YOU explain.
Daria: How, if you won't explain it to ME?
Lynn: I got you angry, then hooked you up to Ms Li's polygraph machine and told you to think lies.17 Then I had you make believe you were being electrocuted while your increased pulse rate made the machine go bonkers – it was the closest thing I could get hold of to something your average peon would think was an electrocution kit. Now, you were acting like you were being given electric shock treatments for a reason. Three guesses.
Daria: You want people to think that this is a form of punishment at Lawndale High.
Lynn: (smirk) Bob, tell her what she's won! (beat) Seriously, though, that first day at Lawndale I happened on some VERY interesting reading material on Ms Li's desk.18 That's my ace.
Daria: WHAT reading material?
Lynn: A memo she sent to you guys, for one. One that talks about urine samples and sniffer dogs and all that malarkey she's been spending the school budget on for years.19
Jane: That didn't sound so bad…
Lynn: It does if you remove the word "voluntary"…
AP: Come on, that CAN'T be it. You never explained the electrocution thing.
Lynn: Li wrote a letter to Governor Bush. She wants to see his electric chair so she can build a model to show students where they may wind up if they don't walk the straight and narrow.20 THAT beauty doesn't even NEED doctoring. She's asked for another chair, too. And it never says anything about the chairs not being WORKING models.
Daria: So with that footage of me getting shock treatment…
Lynn: (imitating Sick Sad World announcer) Detention … suspension … or should class-cutters ride the lightning? One high school principal's shocking decision next on Sick Sad World!
Daria: Here we go again...21
AP: (sigh) Another in-joke.
Lynn: (shrug) You get used to it.
(Scene: Morgendorffer house, exterior, night. Lynn's Mercedes pulls up in front of the house. Daria gets out and it pulls away. Daria ambles towards the house in a tired sort of way, indicating that it is quite late. Then Quinn's voice is heard coming from an upstairs window.)
Quinn: (shocked) GOD, Daria, where WERE you? Mom's pitching a FIT!
Daria: (checks watch) Aw, hell. (sigh; resigned) Go ahead. Tell.
Quinn: (thinks) I think I might do that… Whatever I say, go along with it, okay?
Daria: (suspicious) But…
Quinn: (hiss) TRUST ME! (loud) MOM! DARIA'S HOME!
(Scene: Morgendorffer kitchen. Helen is pacing the floor in front of the kitchen table. Daria is sitting at the table, looking tired and miserable. Quinn is leaning in the doorway.)
Helen: I don't BELIEVE you did this, Daria! I mean, what was it this time, planning more antisocial behaviour with your little friends? You're supposed to be the SENSIBLE one, and I don't see why you can't show a LITTLE more responsibility…
Quinn: (snide) Oh, that's GREAT, Daria. Let her play right into your hands so she doesn't know what you've REALLY been up to!
Helen: (suspicious) What are you talking about, Quinn?
Quinn: (smug) I guess you haven't told Mom about your BOYFRIEND, Daria!
Helen: (shocked) BOYFRIEND? Is this TRUE, Daria?
(Daria says nothing, but her blush is taken as a sign of guilt.)
Helen: (suddenly kind) DARIA! If I'd known you were SEEING someone … (beaming smile) Well, that changes EVERYTHING! Look, we'll let this slide for now, but … (tries to be stern but fails) Just remember to call if you're going to be later than eleven from now on, okay?
Daria: (stunned) But my curfew is…
Helen: (rueful smile) You're NOT getting your curfew extended any FURTHER, so you can FORGET it. I've heard it all before off Quinn. Now, don't forget it's a school night. (walks out)
(Daria looks at Quinn in shock)
Daria: How did you know THAT would work?
Quinn: On ME, it wouldn't. But whenever I tell her I've been studying, she gets like that, because she wants me to be more like you sometimes, so…
Daria: (catching on) So if she heard I was on a DATE, she'd get like that because she wants ME to be more like YOU sometimes. (beat) Maybe we ARE related, after all.
Quinn: So NOW am I ready to get more money out of Mom?
(Daria regards Quinn for a moment.)
Daria: We'll see. I'll ask.
(Daria turns away and heads towards the stairs. Then she stops without turning back.)
Daria: (hesitant) Quinn … thanks.
(Daria walks off up the stairs. Quinn stands there gaping at the spot Daria vacated.)
Quinn: (stunned) I lied for Daria. (beat) She THANKED me.
(Scene: LHS corridor. Music: "Bodies" by Smashing Pumpkins. Daria, Jane and Lynn leaning against the lockers.)
Jane: Are you SURE this will work?
Lynn: As sure as I am of ANY of these schemes. The uncertainty is half the fun. And anyway, I know she won't be held for child abuse. I just figure if they get hold of her for ONE thing…
Daria: (catching on) People will be checking her out VERY carefully.
Lynn: (smirk) And the years of embezzlement will be brought to light. (beat) Where's AP, anyway? He'll kick himself if he misses this.
(AP rushes down the corridor, wearing an excited grin. As he reaches the girls, two policemen barge through the corridor and into Ms Li's office, followed closely by a camera crew. The video camera bears the Sick Sad World eye.)
Man with Microphone: (into mike) Detention … suspension … or should class-cutters ride the lightning? An administrator's SHOCKING decision as she experiments with capital punishment next on Sick Sad World!
Lynn: (shaking her head; mock sorrow) And they barely changed my tag line.
(The policemen come out of Ms Li's office with Ms Li in tow. Ms Li is handcuffed to one of the policemen.)
Daria: Now I never claimed to have any fashion sense … but that's one bracelet I think really suits her.
AP: (admiringly) Wow, Purple Peril, this goes BEYOND beyond!
Lynn: ("aw, shucks" pose) You're making me blush.
(Ms Li catches sight of the foursome)
Li: (enraged) I KNOW you four are responsible! I don't know HOW you did it, or HOW I can prove it, but YOU did this to me! I'll see you HANGED, young persons!
(Ms Li is dragged away.)
Lynn: (smirk) That's really going to help her case…
(Mr O'Neill comes up to the gang, looking miserable and tormented.)
O'Neill: (tremulous) Um … we're going to have to shut down school early for the Christmas holidays. I'm … I'm sure this whole … misunderstanding will be sorted out by then… I mean, Ms Li wouldn't … would she?
Lynn: (never one to let opportunity slip) I don't THINK so … but then, electric shock treatments have been known to affect the memory. Haven't they … (turns to Daria; mock confused) What's your name again?
Daria: (playing along) I was hoping you could tell me.
Jane: (shrug) Later, Mr Onassis! Or is that O'Gilvie?
(This breaks Mr O'Neill. He curls up into a little weeping ball on the floor of the school and begins to rock. The gang look at him, completely deadpan.)
AP: So … who wins the pool?22
Daria: (Mona Lisa smirk) Let's call it a draw. Everybody's a winner.
Jane: (surprised) Is that coming out of the mouth of the "Glass Is Half-Empty" poster child?
Daria: (shrug) We all have our moments.
(Scene: Lawndale street. Music plays on. Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP are walking home from school.)
Daria: So who do you think will replace Ms Li?
Lynn: (shrug) Dunno. I hope we have one of those nameless, faceless bozos who hides in his or her office and is scared to death of the students like in NORMAL schools.
Jane: (hopeful) So … pizza?
Lynn: (sigh) One more mouthful of pizza sauce might make me break out in hives, but…
AP: (grin) Live a little, Purple Peril!
(Shot of their backs as they walk off into the sunset.)
Daria: God, I wish I had prescription sunglasses.
Lynn: No kidding.
END
ENDNOTES
1] Details of the Quinn-Ted thing and the demise of the Fashion Club can be found in my fanfic "Love Him Or Leave Him".
2] If you'll recall "The Big House", this happens when Quinn and Daria both get grounded. It's probably not an experience Quinn is anxious to repeat.
3] Daria and Ted had a minor "thing" in the episode "The New Kid".
4] Trent did this in my "Kiss And Tell" fanfic.
5] I think it's the episode "The Road Worrier" when Daria suggests that Jane might have been a barnacle in a former life…
6] Lynn continuously refers to herself, Daria, Jane and AP as "The Flack-Jacket Mafia" when speaking of them as a group.
7] I've made reference to this several times, but most strongly in my fanfic "World Geek Show"
8] Daria and Quinn discuss this in my fanfic "World Geek Show"
9] Find the story of AP's expulsion and the man he made go postal in my fanfic "And Then There Were Four…"
10] See AP's project for the Lawndale IQ Showcase in my fanfic "World Geek Show"
11] See Lynn's first confrontation with Upchuck in my fanfic "A Meeting Of The Brains". I couldn't have it deter him for long, but the scare Lynn threw into him would give ANYONE pause for thought.
12] In "The Daria Database" [I think], there's a submission guidelines letter for Sick Sad World. "You don't have to track us down by our unlisted fax number!" But I figure Subversion Is We has a few guides for tracking down the hidden.
13] See the episode "Ill" for details on that.
14] Part of AP's school-bombing plan in my fanfic "World Geek Show" involved disabling Ms Li's bomb-sniffer dogs with codeine spray. I don't know if that would work, but hey, this is fiction!
15] Lynn got attacked by Mike's wolf/German shepherd crossbreeds in my fanfic "Lady And The Tank".
16] Austin's Python ref for his prose adaptation of this fic; slightly tweaked and plunked in. And if you've read "Growing Cynical", you'll have heard about the eulogy Lynn did for the class hamster 'Fuzz-Wuzz' when she and AP were in first grade.
17] I think we see the polygraph machine in the episode "Fair Enough", when the library roof collapses. No, it's not strictly how one works, but I don't care if you don't.
18] In my fanfic "A Meeting Of The Brains", Lynn stares at Ms Li's desk for a seemingly needless moment. I've been leading up to this moment since day ONE! HA!
19] We get to read this memo in The Daria Diaries.
20] "THAT little beauty" can be found in The Daria Database.
21] Daria and Jane are posted as alien skin-stealers in Barbarella costumes on Sick Sad World in the episode "The Lawndale File".
22] I mentioned the pool in my fanfics "Grating Expectations" and "And Then There Were Four". It's safe to assume that there'd be one, given the atmosphere at LHS.
Daria Morgendorffer et al are the creations of Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn but are owned by MTV, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. [Apparently this is possible by 'work for hire', a concept that eludes me.] Lynn Cullen and AP McIntyre, on the other hand, were created and are owned by me, one Janet 'Canadibrit' Neilson, copyright 1999, 2000. Touch my characters without consulting me and it will go hard with you. This is a "substantially transformative" derivative work, apparently [what a highfalutin way to say fanfic], and is protected by the Supreme Court's decision in re Campbell v. Acuff Rose Music, so keep the copyright notice where it is and don't post it for money. If you do so without my permission and that of MTV Networks, I WILL pull a Lynn Cullen on you. And then I'll call lawyers.