(Montage teaser sequence.
Music: Splendora -- "You're Standing On My Neck".
Jane surrounded by a
mid-sized group of children aged six through twelve, standing in front of the
Daria, Jane and Lynn walking
down a
Jake on a used car lot,
talking to a dealer. He pats a black 1982 two-door Toyota Tercel that looks
like a good kick might reduce it to its component parts. Jake turns, grinning,
to Daria, who is standing at a slight distance from the car, arms folded. She
just shakes her head in something that's on the emotional scale between despair
and disgust.
Daria and Jodie in a
makeshift broadcast studio, talking into a mike. Visible through the soundproof
glass behind them is
A deserted factory. Tiffany,
dressed in white, peering blankly into a birdcage. Lying at the bottom is a
dead bird. Upchuck approaches from behind her, his hair slicked back, dressed
in black in best post-makeover tradition. He turns her around and they kiss
deeply.
A men's room. O'Neill huddled
into a ball on the floor, sobbing his pathetic little heart out. Four familiar
pairs of boots walk into shot and stop in front of him. Pan up to the
confused-looking Daria, Jane, Lynn and AP.
Daria and Lynn, side-by-side,
looking at each other and giving the traditional Mona Lisa smile. Pan in and
out to change to the TLAS logo. Writing in Daria font underneath reads...)
STAKE OF THE ART -- TLAS 5:11
(Scene: Chez Cullen living
room. Music: Coal Chamber -- "What's In Your Mind?" The coffee table
is all over bottles of Jolt, pizza boxes, bags of crisps, chocolates and
various stuff one's parents wouldn't want one eating. Daria's on the easy chair
in a far corner, Jane has secured a place on the sofa and AP's sprawled on his
stomach on the floor, totally surrounded by video cassettes.)
DARIA: Jane, I have no
problem with you asking to be given the full "cute ex-cheerleader vampire
hunter" experience. The problem I have is that you didn't warn me
-*before*-, so I could check my excuse logs.
DARIA: Well, not exactly
-*lie*-; more like ... prevaricate.
DARIA: So tell me what's
going on now? So I can pretend I was paying attention.
LYNN: Buffy slays things,
meets a guy she likes who turns out to be a vampire, starts angsting over him,
gets briefly killed just before Prom, has a bit of a nervous breakdown, gets
over it, goes back to slaying things and angsting over the vampire. And the
Watcher turns out not to be the geek we thought he was.
DARIA: Very succinct.
AP: But it drains all the
drama out of it!
DARIA: So much the better.
JANE: And I -*finally*- found
out where that Giles and Amy the rat stuff comes from.
AP: (experiencing the horror)
People ... wrote ... -*them*-...?
JANE: Yeah; and I thought it
would have been more fun for the guy -*before*- she got changed to a rat.
AP: Art-Smart -*Scarlet*-!
JANE: My mind's settled down
quite nicely in its gutter, thanks. I'm gonna go throw some night-gear on
before we get going again.
(Scene:
JANE: It's not that bad,
really.
DARIA: It's "
JANE: (smirk) And how would
-*you*- know?
(The scrub-shirt disappears.)
DARIA: I experienced the
horror second-hand. I live with Quinn, remember?
(She steps out from behind
the wardrobe door in normal nightwear, picks up her clothes from the top of the
door, and shuts it.)
JANE: But imagine working on
the -*makeup*- for that thing? Praying mantis women, big blue demons, mummified
girls...
DARIA: More fun than a barrel
of offal.
JANE: Hey, but...
(
DARIA: You -*always*- kick
open doors like the LAPD?
(We do an extreme close-up on
Jane's face. She blinks, and smash cut to...)
(Scene: the Zen. Music:
Diesel Monkey [?] -- [Buffy theme]. Pan back to see Jane, dressed in blue jeans,
a white T-shirt and a rose-red cardigan -- sort of a Jane-version of Buffy
Summers' normal gear. She reaches to her belt under the sweater and finds a
stake there. The other hand, creeping to her throat, finds a silver crucifix.
Cue a very freaked Jane.)
(She looks over.
JANE: What are -*you*- doing
here?
GUY: You asked me to come
when I showed up at your school, remember? (chuckle) Good thing I know how to
find the place, cos I guess you'd have forgot to meet me too.
JANE: (officially freaked)
I'm ... gonna go grab a soda. Guy ... just...
(She walks off towards the
bar and a man dressed in a black duster turns around -- it's Tom, in a black
button-up shirt and black jeans -- Angel-wear.)
JANE: -*OH*-!
TOM: (a little surprised at
the reaction) Hey. I was hoping you'd show.
JANE: You're ... here. And
doing ... things of the living.
TOM: You mean the drink?
Yeah. I eat too. Not a nutritional thing -- that's the ... well, the other. But
it passes the time; also lets me blend in.
JANE: (starting to get it)
Oh. Learn something new every night. (beat) Or at least -*I*- do.
TOM: There's a lot to learn
with me, I guess.
JANE: Yeah, no kidding. So
... what've you been up to lately?
TOM: Nothing.
JANE: Really. Is that the
whole, "if a vampire feeds in the suburb and no one's there to hear the
screams, it didn't happen" thing?
TOM: Janey...
(She turns and stalks off,
going back to Lynn, AP and Guy.)
GUY: Guess you couldn't have
been that thirsty. Or you were thinking of a good apology for ditching me.
(Enter Tom again.)
GUY: (raised eyebrow) Yo.
JANE: This is Guy.
AP: Well,
(Guy and Tom are shaking
hands; Guy pulls back.)
GUY: Cold hands, no shit.
AP: You're not wrong.
(The look that Guy and Tom
are exchanging is very charged now.)
AP: Okay, one more time with
-*tension*-!
(Enter Quinn, eyeing Guy and
then Tom with something of a smirk on.)
QUINN: So who's the
blue-haired freak? Rust, you're not friends with -*this*-, are you? I was
-*sure*- you had taste...
(But Tom's vanished.)
(Jane has an expression that
reads, "this is -*way*- too weird" on her face. She turns to Guy.)
JANE: Why don't we just walk.
I'm kind of sick of the whole club thing anyway.
(Scene: an alley. Music:
Rollins Band -- "Monster". Jane and Guy walking.)
GUY: That the dude you used
to...?
JANE: Yeah. Well, no. Well
... ask me something easy.
GUY: No problem. What's for
fun around here?
(A scuffle is heard around
the corner. Jane's hand flies by instinct to the stake in her belt.)
JANE: I ... think I left my
purse. Back in there. Could you...?
GUY: But you don't carry a...
JANE: I did today, alright?
Go!
(Guy shrugs and swaggers off.
Jane runs around the corner and sees Jesse in full vamp-face menacing a very
freaked-looking Angie.)
JANE: (mutter) This is
-*wrong*-... (sigh) Thank God I've had training...
(She runs over to Jesse and
punches him in the back of the neck, hard. He goes down. Angie flees. Jesse
turns, gives her a way too pointy grin, and then swings a punch at her. She
catches it on the jaw and delivers a kick to his midsection, sending him
flying. He staggers to his feet, throws a trash can. Jane ducks it and goes for
him, tackling him. She gets up before he can move and stakes him. She looks at
what she's done for a moment and then turns ... to see Guy standing there.)
GUY: What's that all about?
JANE: ("Lie your way out
of this...") Uh ... catfight?
GUY: You always lie so badly
about the stake-and-ash?
JANE: ("If in doubt,
play dumb.") The what and what?
GUY: The slayer deal. I know,
right? It's cool.
END ACT 1 -- ADVERTS
-*Post Office*- -- This one
deserves a mention just because it mocks Stelios, the Richard Branson wannabe
who runs the cybercafe that was my favourite before he decided to screw the
customers over.
-*Domestos OX*- -- Bleach
that doesn't leave stains or smell weird. Implies that the man of any given
house is ill-trained enough to squirt bleach cleaner the way he pisses.
Probably a good call.
ACT 2
(Scene: Lane kitchen. Music:
Red Hot Chili Peppers -- "
JANE: So he -*knows*-. Which
strikes me as a weird thing.
(Split-screen to
JANE: Yeah, just like that.
Said he saw me after a gig. Then talked to a guy who knew a guy. I'm betting
that Ethan from the costume shop -- it's just the sort of mischief he'd love.
LYNN: Wow. It's ... what's
the adjective to use here?
JANE: Surprising. But kind of
cool, too. I mean, I don't have to hide stuff from this one. And let me tell
you, it's about time I had someone like -*that*-. (beat) No offense, but...
LYNN: None taken. You want
someone you can ... (smirk seen as well as heard) get with.
JANE: Lynn!
LYNN: What? You expected me
to be the sweet and easily flustered type?
JANE: (confused blink) I
guess I did, sort of.
(Lynn looks puzzled and then
there's a knock at the window.)
LYNN: Hey, I have to go.
Lateness of the hour and that. See you in the library tomorrow.
(She hangs up [to single
screen]. Then opens the curtains to see Tom at the window.)
TOM: Hey. I needed to talk to
you. (beat) Could I come in?
LYNN: Oh, the invitation
thing. Yeah, come on in -- consider yourself invited.
(Tom comes in through the
window -- by now, Lynn's across the room, arms crossed across her chest,
looking at him.)
TOM: Did I come at a bad
time?
LYNN: Not exactly. Just ...
on several levels, Janey would kind of freak out about me having a vampire in
general and this vampire in particular in my bedroom after hours.
TOM: Right. I came because
... well, I could use your help.
LYNN: -*My*- help. I'm taking
it that this has nothing to do with homework, given that school is no longer a
thing you have to worry about.
TOM: You're pretty good on
that computer. I need you to track someone down.
LYNN: (infinite exasperation)
Of course. I'm -*so*- the net girl. (moves to her computer) So whose privacy
are we invading this time?
TOM: Guy Mann.
LYNN: Before we begin. Would
you put the bite on me if I pointed out that this smacks of jealousy?
TOM: Whether or not I'm
jealous, I do know people. And this one ... I have a gut feeling about this
one. A bad gut feeling.
LYNN: (typing) Since you're
not that much of an eater, I'll just say "smart gut". But if I can't
find anything... (beat; frowning) Then I'll be a little bit unnerved.
TOM: Found something?
LYNN: Found -*nothing*-;
that's the unnerving part. He hasn't had his school records transferred. Or
even registered. Annnnd... (beat) No Mann listed in Lawndale. Look, this is
going to take some time. Go ... do whatever it is you do. I'll let you know.
TOM: Mind not telling Janey
about this?
LYNN: Oh, goodie. Lying to my
best friend. You do know how to put a girl in a spot.
(Scene: LHS library. Music:
Offspring -- "Staring at the Sun". Jane and Guy enter; Lynn's
collecting a stack of books.)
JANE: Hey, Lynn! What's going
on?
LYNN: (very much on the
defensive) Why is it that people assume that there's something going on with
me?
JANE: (raised eyebrow) I was
just checking 'cos if you weren't doing anything, maybe we could hang. We were
headed to the cafeteria.
LYNN: I was actually
elsewhere-bound. Computer lab-bound. For schoolwork. So much as I'd like to
sample the food-poisoning of the day, I'll have to decline. Hi Guy.
JANE: Okay, Lynn, out with
it.
LYNN: (defensiveness
increased) Out with -*what*-?
JANE: The new coffee recipe.
We've talked about those ones off the Internet.
LYNN: Ha. Uh. (to Ford)
Experiment with caffeine overdose. Nerve-inducing. (beat) I have to go. Away.
(She does, brushing past
Daria, looking much as she saw herself doing in "Write Where it
Hurts". Except that she wears a green tweed jacket. When she speaks, her
accent is English -- she sounds a lot like Kes.)
DARIA: Janey. Mr Lane and I
are ... going to be out somewhere tonight. I procured a mobile phone so here's
the number if you need me for any... (glances at Guy) ...study help. Just in
the event of...
JANE: He knows, Morgen.
GUY: The slayage. I know.
DARIA: Uh. Right. I see.
Janey, could we... (pulls Jane aside) Janey, if you're giving away your secret
identity to impress the boys -- and not particularly cute boys at that...
JANE: I didn't tell him. He
found out through other channels. Now, do the relieved look, go and try the
fun-thing and I'll try not to need you.
(Scene: LHS grounds, night.
Music: Alice in Chains -- "Damn That River". Jane and Guy again.)
GUY: So this is your patrol,
huh? It's ... nah, not gonna even try -- dull as shit.
JANE: Or not...
(She points out two vampires
sneaking towards the main building -- Jack Paterson and Beth. They follow; Jane
pulls a stake and a cross from her pockets, handing the cross to Guy, who pulls
his own stake.)
JANE: Boy Scouts?
GUY: As if.
(Jack jumps Jane. Beth jumps
Guy. He wrestles her around a corner. As we catch a glimpse of Jane decking
Jack, we follow Guy, who slams her to the ground and poises the stake right
over her heart.)
GUY: You've got a chance,
fang-bitch. Answer me this one question and you go.
(Cut to Jane dispatching
Jack. She jogs around the corner and sees Guy, sitting on the floor, panting.)
JANE: You got her?
GUY: Hell yeah. Dusted her
old-school. (cough) That was cool, no shit.
(Scene: the wrong side of the
tracks; an area in advanced stages of urban decay. Music: Depeche Mode --
"Waiting For the Night". AP, Lynn and Tom walking.)
LYNN: All I found were a
bunch of e-mails to some guy called Vigo and an address for this Sunset Club
place. Nothing incriminating. (beat) Then again, nothing at -*all*-.
TOM: No paper trail? No
records? That's incriminating enough.
AP: Yeah, I'm going with Dead
Boy on this one.
TOM: That's -*Rust*-.
AP: Yeah, whatever.
(They have reached Biers; the
door is shut. Tom knocks and a peephole window slides open, revealing a
familiar pair of wary eyes.)
TOM: We're friends of Guy's.
He said we should come check the place out.
(A beat, then the window
slides shut and the door opens.)
(Scene: Biers, int. Music:
Lacuna Coil -- "Senzafine". The place is now full of burning candles,
black crepe and gargoyles -- permanent Halloween decor covering a bomb-shelter
architecture. The three move through the traditional mopeygoth crowd, watching
and being watched.)
AP: Theme bar.
LYNN: Yeah. And the theme is
"Vampires Yay".
AP: In -*this*- town.
People're dumb.
(As they look around, Mara
approaches them, with something of a leery smirk on.)
MARA: Ooh. Newbies.
LYNN: Not exactly -- we have
... experience with this kind of thing.
MARA: Hey, that's cool. We
welcome anyone who's interested in the Lonely Ones.
LYNN: The Lonely Ones? (beat)
Is that anything like the Kindly Ones?
TOM: Vampires.
AP: Oh. (beat) Well, they'd
be less lonely if they hadn't got the "nasty pointy bitey ones" rep.
MARA: Oh, so many people buy
into the bad press. They who walk with the night aren't that big on hurting
people, actually...
(Lynn and AP start
snickering. Tom just -*looks*- at her.)
TOM: Someone's been taking
the stupid pills.
MARA: Jeez, get an open mind.
(She leaves. They share a
look.)
AP: Kay ... the guy's dating
the Slayer but hangs with vampire wannabes. This weird to anyone else?
LYNN: (to Tom) Can I tell her
about the snooping -*now*-?
(Scene: LHS library. Music:
REM -- "Suspicion". Daria pacing the library. Trent [slightly rumpled
shirt, loosened tie, slacks; the epitome of "casual teacher"] leaning
back in a chair in a corner. Jane sitting on a table.)
JANE: I wouldn't have
interrupted your little ... whatever you're calling it, but this was weirdness.
DARIA: (almost fervent) And
you did entirely the right thing, absolutely. Vampires on campus ... there
could be very grave implic...
TRENT: You could've just said
if you hated it so much.
DARIA: I didn't really have
time to hate it conclusively. And after all, everyone should experience monster
trucks just once.
JANE: Morgen? At -*monster
trucks*-? If naked models were involved, I'm going to be very disappointed in
-*both*- of you.
TRENT: We could've left.
DARIA: But then we would have
missed the best part of the show. Nitro burning funny cars are the thing this
year.
JANE: This is really funny
and it's giving me Morgen-teasing fodder for the next three months, but can we
get back to the crisis I said I wasn't going to have? I mean, they were here
for a reason and they saw Guy. He may've bagged a vamp his first time out, but
he's a rookie and...
(And Beth jumps at her from
the office, a book under her arm. She grabs Daria and tosses her across the
room into Jane and Trent, knocking them both over. She disappears through the
stacks.)
TRENT: Janey? Daria? Y'okay?
DARIA: It took one of my
books. Well, at least someone in this town is reading.
JANE: He said he killed it.
That's the one Guy said he staked.
DARIA: But why would he lie
about something like that?
(Scene: a deserted factory.
Music: Nine Inch Nails -- "The Perfect Drug". Tiffany, dressed in
white, is peering blankly into a birdcage. Lying at the bottom is a dead bird.)
TIFFANY: Hellooooo... (beat)
Why won't you sing for me anymore? Don't you -*like*- me anymore? (beat) Is it
because this dress makes me look fat?
(Upchuck approaches from
behind her, his hair slicked back, dressed in black in best post-makeover
tradition. He turns her around and they kiss deeply.)
UPCHUCK: Good -*evening*-, my
source of endless desire. I heard that you went out -*without*- me the other
night...
TIFFANY: (still focused on
the bird) My stomach was making funny noises. You were out somewhere. (to the
bird) If you don't sing, I'm going to pout. And that will give me wrinkles. And
that would be soooo wrong.
UPCHUCK: My divine mistress
of darkness, you can't -*get*- wrinkles. You're a -*vampire*- now.
TIFFANY: (to the bird) I'll
take away your mirror if you don't sing...
UPCHUCK: The bird's -*dead*-,
Tiff. We got so ... (ahem) -*busy*- that you didn't feed it and it passed on,
like the last one. Ah, such an insatiable woman...
TIFFANY: Buuuuuut...
UPCHUCK: Oh, my deadly
nightshade, I crave your forgiveness. I am a bad, rude man, and I deserve to be
... (leer) -*punished*-. (moves in for the kiss.) Would you like to give me
what I deserve?
GUY: (OS) Nice place.
(They both turn, Upchuck
vamping out, as Guy moves down towards them. Beth tails along behind him.)
GUY: Yeah, I can see myself
living here. (beat; pointing to the rolly ramp) Do you ever slide down that
thing? Cos that's about where I draw the line.
UPCHUCK: Now, Tiffany, my
dark heart, this means one of two things. It either means that all of my
security people have fallen asleep on the job ... or you'll not have to venture
out for awhile.
(He steps up to Guy, the vamp
face still on, grinning.)
GUY: You're Red, right?
Charles the Nauseating?
UPCHUCK: That's Charles the
Bloody, deathwish-boy. And I'd like to know how you got in here because some
mortal finding my hideout and interrupting my frolic -*upsets*- me.
(Beth, still clutching her
book, looks kind of agitated.)
GUY: The Slayer upsets you
more, right? Like "you want her dead" upset?
UPCHUCK: (trying to hide the
interested look) I'm listening...
END ACT 2 -- ADVERTS
-*Blast*- -- A sort of BBC
talent search. When a broadcasting company is perpetually advertising to get
new ideas and talent, you know that their ratings are in the toilet.
-*Next on TLAS*- -- Jake uses
Daria's desire to buy herself a car as a basis for bonding in "Wheels of
Fortune".
ACT 3
(Scene: Jane's room -- all
artwork conspicuously absent. Music: Amanda Ghost -- "The Wrong Man".
Tom appears at her window.)
TOM: Can I come in? (to the
look) I know I've been invited; I was just being polite.
(Jane waves him in. He
enters.)
JANE: What now?
TOM: It's Guy. He's not who
he says he is.
JANE: No one I know ever is.
TOM: Lynn checked him out. We
didn't find much, which was suspicious enough for us to check out what little
we -*did*- find, which was an address. When we went out there with AP...
JANE: So you dragged Lynn
-*and*- AP into this? I haven't seen conspiracy this big since the JFK thing.
TOM: Guy's part of a society
that practically worships vampires. Which makes me wonder what he wants with
-*you*-.
JANE: I'm supposed to trust
you?
TOM: That's up to you. But
whether or not you trust me ... you can't trust -*him*-.
(Scene: LHS corridor. Music
plays on. Jane at her locker. Guy approaches.)
GUY: Hey. Cool night last
night. Well ... interesting, anyway.
JANE: Yeah. Glad you found
something that makes this place a little less snore-worthy.
GUY: Wanna try for less
"interesting" and more "date-like"?
JANE: I'd check my datebook,
but I don't have one. So sure.
GUY: I'm kinda planning a
surprise. Meet me at that condemned burger joint downtown?
JANE: Cos nothing says
"I like you" like the memory of CJD.
GUY: (chuckle) Good one. So,
nine?
JANE: Yeah, whatever.
(She walks off. Guy smirks
and wanders off himself.)
(Scene: LHS corridor; Lynn's
locker. Music plays on. Lynn and AP hanging out as Lynn restacks her locker.
Jane approaches.)
LYNN: Hey. You talked to...
JANE: Yeah. -*He*- told me
everything.
LYNN: I'm sorry. He -*did*-
ask me to keep this from you, but it's not like I had to listen. It was just
that he was worried when he came to my room. I didn't say anything cos I hoped
we were wrong.
JANE: Yeah ... well ... it's
okay.
AP: So any clue as to what
the guy's up to?
JANE: Just call me Janey
Holmes. The game's a...stake.
(Off she goes. AP and Lynn
exchange a look.)
AP: Dead-boy was in -*your*-
room? Your -*bed*-room?
LYNN: (dry) Ours is a
forbidden love.
(Scene: Biers. Music:
Regurgitator -- "The Man". Guy's pacing around in front of Mara and
Casey. Mara's in her perpetual way-too-short leather skirt and a wine-red
corset. Casey's in black leather trousers, a white ruffly shirt and a black
cloak. This look does not suit him.)
GUY: You didn't ask for a
password or anything? Damn, Vigo, what's -*with*- you?
CASEY: (mutter) Jeezman, I
gotta do ev'rythin?
MARA: This isn't gonna change
anything, is it? I -*so*- want this. That Charles the Bloody guy has -*got*- to
give it to me.
GUY: It's gonna be cool.
JANE: (OS) Guess again,
vamp-boy.
(They look up. Enter Jane;
she walks down the stairs and faces Guy.)
JANE: I just couldn't contain
my curiosity. It's a flaw I have.
GUY: We've all got 'em.
JANE: Yeah, I figured that
one out. Guess -*yours*- is being a lying schmuck. (beat) This is the part
where you tell me you have some kind of incurable disease and -*have*- to have
immortality so I get all torn inside like we're all going to be -*outside*-
when the toothy ones come in.
GUY: Nope. Just I don't wanna
die. Ever. And now I'm not gonna have to.
JANE: Jeez; you're gonna be
the bad guy, you could at least present me with a moral dilemma here. (beat)
You don't seem Red's type, and vampires are picky about who they change -- if
not who they kill. So I'm guessing there was trade-off. Me for immortality, am
I right?
GUY: Since you've got it all
worked out, I'm gonna shut up.
JANE: No you're not; I wanna
know -*how*-. You were gonna lure me into Mad Cow Central and leave me there
for them?
GUY: No. I was gonna wait for
you to figure -*that*- out, then lure you -*here*- with the special rigged door
that only opens from out there. Then wait for sunset and Red. They eat you ...
they turn us.
(Jane hits him, hard.)
MARA: Back -*off*-, freak!
This is what we -*want*-!
JANE: You -*want*- to be the
chef's special at the moron buffet.
CASEY: Shut'er up; she's
tainting us.
(Jane turns on him with
righteous fury.)
JANE: I'm -*trying*- to talk
-*sense*- into you! You know -*squat*- about being turned. What makes you you
dies and goes to whatever afterlife there is and a demon takes squatting rights
in your body and no one seems to get that and damn, could you -*have*- a
dorkier outfit?
CASEY: S'a look...
GUY: I'm gonna miss your
sense of humour, Janey.
(Jane smacks him hard. He
goes flying, hits a pillar, and goes down like a sack of wet cement.)
JANE: Guy ... learn when to
shut up. (to the crowd) Look, do you people understand that this place is now a
death-trap? If we barricade the door, maybe we can...
(The door opens. Enter
Upchuck, with his cronies and Tiffany in tow. He comes face to face with Mara,
who steps over to him, not sure what to think. She knows to think "run
screaming into the night" when he grabs her by the throat, leers at her
and goes in for the bite.)
JANE: (OS) Hey Red! Mess with
that one, and -*I*- mess with -*this*- one!
(He turns to see Jane holding
Tiffany hostage, with a stake at her heart.)
UPCHUCK: Everybody -*STOP*-!
JANE: Everyone breathing
leaves, or Ms Dim-Witty gets last rites in a snuff box.
TIFFANY: (typically dull)
Reeeeeeeed...? Will a stake make me look fat?
UPCHUCK: You'll have no
occasion to find out, dark angel. (beat; to the cronies) Drop the buffet, boys.
(The cronies comply and the
goths leave in a great tearing rush. Casey grabs Mara up and helps her out.
Jane heads for the door herself, still carrying Tiffany.)
JANE: (as if talking to a
pet) Now stay ... staaaaay ... -*good*- vamps.
(When she hits the door at
the top of the stairs, she throws Tiffany over the side -- Upchuck catches her
-- and slams the door shut. Upchuck puts Tiffany down gently and runs up to the
door. It's locked.)
UPCHUCK: Someone find the
blue-haired git.
(Two vampires find Guy, who's
groaning and getting to his feet.)
GUY: What's the word?
UPCHUCK: We're stuck in the
basement.
GUY: Janey?
TIFFANY: She's noooot stuck
in the basement.
GUY: But I still get turned,
yeah? I did what I said.
(Upchuck grins nastily and
the entire group advance on him. Pan to the top of the stairs, where Jane's
watching through the little window in the door.)
TOM: (OS) Janey?
(Jane turns; cut to outside
the door, where Tom, Lynn and AP are standing behind her.)
JANE: Way to be fashionably
late, guys. I thought you didn't do that kind of thing.
TOM: It's not like you gave
us an invitation, you know.
LYNN: So I guess there are
vampires in there?
JANE: They'll make it out
sooner or later, so we'd better bail. We of the living can come back when the
sun's up and they're gone.
AP: What do we want to do
-*that*- for?
JANE: For the body.
(Scene: a cemetary. Music:
Neon Genesis Evangelion OST -- "Marking Time Waiting for Death".
Daria and Jane stand at Guy's grave.)
JANE: It sucks. The more I
know people, the less I know people. And the more people know me, the weirder
it gets.
DARIA: That's growing up for
you.
JANE: Maybe vampirism has
perks. You don't grow old.
DARIA: But you -*do*- grow
up. Rust is ample proof of that.
JANE: Damn you for robbing me
of my brief moment of delusion.
(Guy bursts from the grave,
fully vamped, and Jane stakes him without a word. She and Daria turn and walk
off, not watching as he ashes.)
JANE: Does life -*ever*- get
less complicated?
DARIA: (raised eyebrow) What
do you want me to say?
JANE: Do what everyone seems
to have done lately -- lie to me.
DARIA: (dry monotone, obvious
sarcasm) Of course it does. Life is actually very simple. Good guys are
stalwart and true. The bad guys can be easily spotted by their pointy horns or
teeth, or black hats in a pinch. And we always beat them and save the day.
Nobody ever dies ... and everyone lives happily ever after.
(Fade out as we hear Jane
say...)
JANE: (weary affection)
Liar...
(Scene: Lynn's room. Jane
sprawled on the floor, with Daria and Lynn [back to normal] hovering over.)
DARIA: What did she say?
LYNN: Does it matter? She's
talking, which means she's coming to ... Jane?
JANE: (blurred) Five more
minutes, Morgen ... it was a late patrol...
(Daria and Lynn exchange a
look.)
(Scene: Cullen living room.
Music: Red Hot Chili Peppers -- "Throw Away Your Television". Jane is
reclining on the sofa with an icepack on her forehead.)
AP: Janey the Vampire Slayer,
huh? I dunno -- aren't I more Willow than Xander?
JANE: It was the weirdest
thing. Mostly I was just watching it from inside -- like I only had a little
bit of control -- and then sometimes it was like watching the show, all from
the outside.
AP: Been there, done that.
(beat; didactic as Buffy expert) You went through "Lie to Me". That
Rust guy lied to you -*big*-. So'd Purple Peril, when she had to. So -*she*-
got cast as waaaay-innocent Willow.
LYNN: And you don't know from
Goat-boy.
DARIA: After everything
that's gone on, it's not surprising that you'd wonder who you can trust. Your
mind is trying to work things out for you, is all.
JANE: (morose) So if I'm
reading this right, I have to dump Guy because he's going to turn on me if...
DARIA: You're just worried
about what will happen if people know about the last year or so. How
differently they'll treat you. I guess the solution is to never let him know.
JANE: It's not like I was
-*really*- considering telling him...
LYNN: It's hard, though,
keeping it from someone you care about. I'm sorry, Jane.
JANE: What are -*you*- sorry
for? God, Lynn, having a secret adds to that feminine mystique that guys go
-*nuts*- over. It's a good thing, really.
LYNN: (weary affection) Liar.
(On the shared smirk, fade
out.)
END
ENDNOTES
-*Cast of Characters*- -- I
don't know where exactly this sick and twisted idea came from, but it might
have had something to do with one reread of "Sculptures" too many.
And the ability to use Upchuck and Tiffany the way I have was too much to
resist. So here's who we're looking at for the uninitiated.
Jane -- Buffy
Daria -- Giles
Lynn -- Willow
AP -- Xander
Quinn -- Cordelia
Tom -- Angel
Upchuck -- Spike
Tiffany -- Drusilla
Trent -- Jenny Calendar
-*Plotline*- -- Like the man
said -- "Lie to Me". Some of the lines are ripped straight from the
script, but most of them have been changed to suit the characters better.
-*Giles and Amy the rat*- --
I wish this was some kind of 'Net legend, but I have the existence of this
apparently sexual fic from a very reliable source ... or at least one that
wouldn't dare lie to me.
-*The Kindly Ones*- -- See
the Sandman graphics. And thanks to Caira for the suggestion for that line
change.
-*Naked models*- -- When the
monster trucks came out in this one, could I resist the "It Happened One
Nut" ref?
NOTES OF THANKS
This one's to Caira and Lew,
my two fave Daria/Buffy crossover writers. I'd never have had the idea or the
guts to carry it out without that lot.
OBLIGATORY LEGAL BLAP