TANANDARIA SEASON FOURTEEN
_______________

(The IUF minus Scarlett is sitting around the Cave of Bad Fiction eating M&Ms and looking at the bags)

Mahna: (reading the bag) 'Help find our colors.' Geez, how lame is that. Suddenly they're just "missing" their colors?

Beth: Yeah, but they still taste just as good.

Mahna: (quick glance at Beth) Yeah, you're right Taryn.

Beth: (raises eyebrows) Uh, Mahna? It's Beth.

Mahna: What? (looks up, and eyes go wide) Beth! Your hair!

Beth: (looks at her hair) It's RED!

Taryn: Hey that's supposed to be my signiture color and.... (looks at hair) AHH! It's back to normal!

Tananda: Mine too!

Mahna: And mine!

Beth: Wait a minute... where's Scarlett?

Mahna: Um... when was she here last?

Taryn: We've got to bring her back to the Tanandaria thread!

Tananda: And we've got to get our colors back!

Beth: But how?

All: Hmm.....

Help the IUF find their colors and Scarlett! If you help, you'll get a free trip for four to L.A!

Well... not really.... but we'll give you an M&M.

Ok, it's not an M&M; it's a hollowed out Skittle, Ok?









Well, fine. Be that way. We'll find our colors on our own. So there.














But, um, let us know if you see Scarlett. 'Kay thanks.
_______________

(The IUF minus Scarlett sits in the living room along with some other cast memebers. They're all wearing their hats and looking worried.)

Taryn- You think Scarletts ok?

Mahna- I hope so.

Beth- It's all Mahnas fault!

Taryn- I blame aol!

Tananda- You always blame aol.

Taryn- And you always blame Mahna so nyah.

(Roger comes in carrying a huge cage with a sheet draped over it. He pulls off the sheet and we see Scarlett holding a muffin and sobbing.)

Tananda- Scarlett! Your safe! What happened?

Mahna- Where did you find her? And why is she in a cage?

Beth- The question is, do we really want to know?

Roger- I was looking for my penguin and I found this in a muffin store...I thought you might want it back.

Scarlett- There were so many muffins! I was in heaven! Then he comes in and drags me out of there...I want to go back!

Tananda- Oh dear.

Taryn- I still blame aol.

Mahna- I say we leave her in the cage until she calms down.

Scarlett- Can I have another muffin? Please?

Mahna- Now all we need is out hair dyed back to normal.

Beth- Nooo! Not tha-I mean, yes. I miss my blue hair.
_______________

(Brandon enters the cave, a cardboard box in his hand. He is bright eyed and has an innocent grin on his face. The Tanandaria maesters glare at him, each one wearing a baseball cap. Or in Tananda's case...an old comfortable Chicago Bears hat.)

Brandon: Hey guys, I heard about your recent problems. I know I don't come around the cave that much anymore, but I think I have the solution to your hair problem.

Taryn: Unless Scarlett's head is in that box, we're not interested.

(Mutual grumble of assent)

Brandon (appeasing): Now, Taryn...you don't mean that! That's just the natural hair color talking is all.

(Mahna Mahna glares and mutters something very rude.)

Brandon: Mahna please! There are young innocents out there right now reading this....and it's spelled with an "f" not a "ph." Now...

(He opens the box.)

Brandon: What if I were to tell you that I stopped by the Mall on the way here and picked up something for your hair situation....and Kevo, I didn't forget you either, buddy!

(Throws a bag of squeaky, rubber ducks to Kevo in the corner. He promptly eats them. Brandon turns back to the Tanandaria chicks who are considerably more chipper.)

Beth Ann: Brandon, you mean you got us some...

Tananda: Thank GOD! One more day with this hair and I swear!

Taryn: Gimme!

Mahna Mahna (reaching into the box): Hair dye! HAIR DYE! Yes!!! Thank you! Thank you, G-

(She breaks off, and with a look of complete incredulity...brings out four cans of spray paint. One green. One purple. One blue. One red.

Brandon (blinks, confused): Hair dye? I thought you guys use spray paint? I mean Christ, what else is gonna get through all that glitter and hair spray. (Laughs)

Beth Ann (deapan): How can someone be so stupid, yet live?

Tananda and Taryn: (inarticulate growls)

Mahna Mahna: He's not gonna for much longer...skin him girls.

Brandon: Hey waitaminute! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(And the lights mercifully go out on the no doubt brutal and agonizing death of the former Sleazy Manager/Recruiter for Tanandaria...)

HERE LIES BRANDON
HE CALLED NO PLACE HOME
HE DIED A GRUESOME DEATH
FOR MOCKING THE DOME.
_______________

Colors Come Back!

Angel is in her room in the blue corridor busily tapping away on a brand-new laptop.

Angel- Wow, I love this new computer. And I'm over my block! I'm really making progress now...

Hits 'save' and gets up to stretch. After a second looks around getting confused. There is a layer of dust covering everything.

Angel- How long have I been in here?

(She opens the door to the corridor and the sqeak of the hinge echoes down the empty hallway. Grabbing her flaming pitchfork, she heads out.)

Angel- Where is everyone? Hello? hello..hello ..hello

She walks down the corridor towards the living area, passing the rubble from when Nomad tried blasting through the walls instead of following the map, also now covered in a layer of dust. Turning a corner there lies the remains of a Kevo attack, a few blood stains, a bit of what she hoped wasn't hair, and some tattered cloth. Moving on, she sees an unopened box lying by the intersection where the corridors all meet. She wipes the dust off the top and see it's addressed to the IUF and is unopened.

Angel- I wonder what this is. (goes to open it but pauses) I hope they don't mind...(pulls the tape off and pauses again) if Kevo jumps out of here, I'm going to be really, really upset.

She openes the box and flinches back holding out her pitchfork in defense, prepared for a Kevo attack. Nothing happens and she peers in the box.

Angel- Well at least it's not a severed head.

She grabs the box and heads for the living area, hoping that's where everyone is and that she wasn't left abandoned in the cave, all alone...

Arriving at the living area she sees the IUF sitting around the Cave of Bad Fiction eating M&Ms and looking at the bags, muttering about colors. Their hair is all normal human colors. Brandon lays moaning pitifully on the ground.

Angel- What the heck happened in here? (Brandon moans louder. She walks over and nudges him with a toe ) And why wasn't I invited?

Manha- (holding up a can of spray paint) Brandon tried to "help".

Beth- We thought this only fitting.

Angel- Raelly girls, you thought this (Brandon whimpers) was what he deserved?

They look at one another.

Tananda- Well, he...

Angel- I mean, he's still moving!

Tayrn- You're right. We'll do better next time. Right Kevo?

Kevo- KEVO!

Brandon- Oh, God, no. I'll be good....

Angel- What happened to your hair?

Manha- NO! Don't look at us!

Beth- I think it's been too long since the last episode.

Angel- Well, this should help. This package is for you guys. Looks like it was delivered a while ago.

They look inthe box and then at each other grinning wildly.

Tananda- HAIR DYE!!!!!!

Taryn- Oh, look at all the pretty colors! I forgot we even ordered this stuff!

Manha- Ok, guys, lets get to work.

They grab the dye and turn to leave. Suddenly beth looks back.

Beth- Hey! We never dyed Angel's hair!

Angel- (backing away slowly) Now guys, we discussed this, I told you it won't stay! I've tried, it just doesn't work!

Tananda- Oh we can make it work...

Angel- (points) Kevo's eating the rest of the dye!

Taryn- (turns) Oh, no! We need that!

They realize Kevo is actually gnawing on Brandon's shoe. When they turn back Angel is gone.

Taryn- Rats!

Manha- well, at least we can get back to our usual colorful selves!

Beth- Finally!!!!

They run of to re-dye, leaving Kevo happily chewing on Brandon.

Brandon- Ow...stop that...guys? Taryn? You can call off Kevo now...It was just a joke....guys?
_______________

(The gang is all sitting around when Mahna and Kristen come in wearing white lab coats.)

Mahna: Your attention, please!

(All turn to face her and Kristen)

Mahna: Thank you. As you know, Kristen and I have been taking great measures to psychologically reform Kevo to make him less agressive.

Kristen: First, we tried the humanistic approach.

*****
Flashback

Mahna: So, Kevo... what's on your mind?

Kevo: ...

Kristen: I see.

Kevo: Kevo!

Mahna: And how does that make you feel?

Kevo: Kevo!

*****

Mahna: Needless to say, that didn't work too well.

Kristen: Then we tried to take a more behaviorist approach. He's still just as ruthless, except now he's reeeeally afraid of bunnies.

Tananda: Ohhhhhh, that explains Ranger, then.

Ranger: (wearing a pair of pink bunny ears) Shut up. I'm safe now.

Taryn: Well? Is Kevo cured or not?

Mahna: I'm sorry to say... no.

Scarlett: I have a solution!

(Kristen and Mahna raise their eyebrows)

Mahna: Huh? I didn't know you knew psychology!

Scarlett: Maybe not, but I know psychic-ology!

Kristen: ... huh?

Scarlett: Anyway, I've found a way to channel spirits from the other world into this one! So, I brought a certain famous psychiatrist back from the dead. (turns to the door) Come on in, Siggy!

Sigmund Freud: (walks in) Mr. Kevo is suffering from sexual repression and unresolved tensions with his mother.

(Kristen twitches)

Mahna: Oh dear me, no.

Kristen: ARGH!!! (grabs a stray baseball bat and runs after Freud, who runs away. She chases him around the room) You psychoanaylitic quack! Come back here!

Freud: Surely you must have some problem in your childhood that would make you run after me like this! What's the first thing that comes to your mind when I say the word 'red'?

Beth: Kristen! No!

Brandon: Use the baseball bat!

(Meanwhile Kristen has pinned him to the ground.)

Kristen: Say it!

Freud: I really don't think---

Kristen: SAY IT!!

Freud: Okay, okay. Sometimes, a dream about a train going through a tunnel is just about trains!

Mahna: Oh, this isn't good.

Beth: Nope.

Tananda: Popcorn? (offers some)

Taryn: Please. (grabs some)
_______________

(Scarlett is lying awake in her bed late at night. She listens for a few minutes, falls asleep for and hour, and wakes up again - disoriented. Suddenly, she remembers her plan and slides out of her bed. She's wearing her boots already. Tip-toeing across the floor to the door, she trips over something.)

Scarlett: Owwwww...(whispers) Hey! (Sees that she has tripped over Roger, who is clutching a diploma and the 2004 "PENGUINS!!" calendar.)
They don't know my plan, do they? Maybe Rog just got...lost. (shrugs, gets up, and quietly slips out into Corridor Pink.)

(She sees Huggy in all black and a skimask waiting at the door, and quietly skips toward him.)

Scarlett: You go first, this time. Just in case.

Huggy: (nods) Whatever you say, milady.

Scarlett: (looks anxiously behind her) Now.

(Huggy pushes the door open. An alarm goes off and a cage falls down from the ceiling, trapping Huggy. Scarlett sighs, and opens the door, waving back to Huggy. She takes off running, only to hit a large net, strung around like a 20-foot high fence. Scarlett falls back onto the ground and sits there, watching her IUFmates come out of the shadows, the moon reflecting slightly off their sleeping bags.)

Mahna: Scarlett, Scarlett, Scarlett. Why do you keep doing this?

Scarlett: The muffins..they're so close...And the net wasn't here yesterday. (starts crying at the loss of the muffins she never had)

Beth: (puts her hand on Scarlett's shoulder) There, th-

Scarlett: MUFFINS!

Beth: (quickly takes her hand away) Looks like we're going to need to cage her again. Taryn, Tan - get the wagon. (looks over at the Tees) Taryn? Tananda?

Tan: The plaid...

Taryn: ...it's hypnotizing.

Mahna: (rolls her eyes at crying Scarlett. to Beth) She did that on purpose...

Beth: (sighs) I'll get the wagon and some greens.
_______________

(We see Beth kneeling on the floor of the blue coridor nose to beak with Tux the penguin.)

Beth: Now Tux, honey, I don't want you going anywhere near that Roger Moore man, alright?

Tux: Squawk.

Beth: Promise me?

Tux: Squawk

Beth: O.k. now run along and play with Kevo and Waldo the ostrich.
_______________

*mahna walks in dragging a large and heavy suitcase. Walks toward the group sitting in the lounge*

Tananda: Umm...Mahna? What's in the suitcase?

Mahna: A surprise

Taryn: A surprise!?! Yay!! *knocks the suitcase over to open it. A muffled "ouch!" is heard from the inside*

Beth: Mahna, is sumone inside the suitcase?

Mahna: Well... yes, but i want you to know that I did it perfectly legally; there iwas nothing illegal in what i did....

*from inside the suitcase* "LET ME OUT!!!"

Mahna:....She needed to be here, not there...

*from inside the suitcase* "...can't.....breath"

Angel: OPEN THE SUITCASE BEFORE SHE DIES!!

*Taryn opens the suitcase and Woot rolls out*

Scarlett: WOOT!! You're back!!! I thought your parents said you couldnt get back on?

Woot: well they did, but the next day they admitted to having major PMS and said i could get back on. Mahna apparently didn't know this so she came to my house, stuffed me in the suitcase and brought me back here.

Mahna: I wanted you here, we all want you here.

All: Yeah!

Woot: I feel loved!
_______________

Group leader: Hello, and welcome to your first meeting at Problems With Animals. I'll be your group leader and i'm here to be your friend and to help you get over your problems with animals. Lets introduce ourselves, ok?

Roger: *stands up* Hi, i'm Roger, and i tried to join a penguin colony. But they kicked me out.

Group leader: thank you roger. Next person please.

Woot: *stands up* um, hey, im woot. um, I think squrrils are plotting to kill me, and pigions. They just dun like me.

Group leader: Very good. Next....

(At the end of the session)

*Roger and Woot walk out of the room*

Woot: that was a good sesion i think. where r u goin next?

Roger: Back to the cave to eat. And you?

Woot: back to the cave to eat and pick up taryn for our furbyophobic group session after lunch. furbys....*shudder*
_______________

They walk into the kitchen where Scarlett is sitting in the corner, surrounded by muffins. She's moving them around and making them talk in high squeaky voices.

Scarlett- We all love you Queen Scarlett! You are the most kind Muffin Queen in all the land...

Roger and Woot exchange nervous glances. Angel is pulling something out of the oven. She turns around and sees their worried faces.

Angel- Oh, don't worry, I gave her those to keep her quiet until Beth and Manha take her to Muffins Anonymous. You guys ready for lunch?

Both- Yeah!

Angel picks up a large roasting pan and hold it out with a big smile.

Angel- Great! I made roast pengiun! Who's hungry?

Roger faints after emitting a hig-pitched Eeep!

Woot- You didn't really roast a pengiun did you?

Angel- Nah, it's chicken. But look at him twitch!
_______________

(Nomad walks into the room eating something wraped in a tortillia taking care not to step on the Muffin arm. )

Nomad: Isn;t it weird how everyone seems to have a trademark obssesion around here?

Angel: "Isn't".

Nomad (ignoring Angel distracted by something on the floor): are you going to eat those?

TT: eat?...

(suddenly Kevo breaks through the wall closely followed by beth and a Kevo net)
_______________

(The kitchen of the cave of bad fiction. The IUF are sitting around eating ice cream and talking except for Scarlett who’s baking muffins. Beth is ranting and raving.)

Beth: Stupid men! Stupid Danny! Stupid breakup! (glares at calendar) Stupid Valentine’s Eve!

(The others make comforting statements about fish and seas and taking a grenade launcher to the offending ex’s house.)

Mahna: Don’t worry you’ll find someone.

Tananda: Someone who’s perfect for you.

Taryn: Yeah! Someone who’s a hundred times better than ol’ what’s his name.

Scarlett: Danny. His name is Danny, don’t you remember?

(Taryn rolls her eyes. Just then there’s a knock at the door. Beth aswers it. Standing outside is a tall handsome man with royal blue hair.)

Man: Hello, is this the Douglas Adams fan convention?

Beth: (shortly) Nope. It’s the Tanandaria Cave of Bad Fiction.

(She begins to shut the door but the man wedges his foot in the doorstep so she can’t close it.)

Man: Really? I’ve heard of this place. I would love to see the inside.

Beth: Whatever.

Man: Thanks. It might help spark my creativity for a story I’m working on. (he smiles at Beth) I’m a writer you know. In fact I write so much my friends call me a writaholic.

Beth: There’s a support group for that you know. It meets Tuesday nights.

Man: (hopefully) Are you in it?

Beth: No. I graduated.

Man: (disappointed) Oh. I couldn’t have gone anyway. That’s when my Anti-Tom club meets.

Beth: (not even paying attention any more) Hmmmm. Are you going to look the cave or are you going to just stand and talk all night, ‘cuz we all have things to do.

Man: Do you offer tours?

Beth: (impatiently) Yep. See the man with the teal hair in the room at the end of the hall.

Man: Listen. I’ll just cut to the chase. What are you doing tomorrow night?

Beth: Sitting here alone. Thanks for rubbing salt in that wound.

(She turns on her heel and walks back to the kitchen. The rest of the IUF stare at her open mouthed they heard the whole exchange. Beth flops down on one of the chairs.)

Beth: I’ll never meet anyone!
_______________

A Tanandaria Valentine's Day Special

(Everyone is sitting around in the Cave of Bad Fiction living room when Mahna walks in carrying a bag.)

Mahna: Anybody want some conversation hearts?

Tananda: You mean those candy hearts that taste like chalk and have sappy, nonpersonal messages of endearment on them?

Mahna: Yep.

Tananda: Sure, I'll take one.

(Everyone grabs a heart and reads them aloud before popping them in their mouths.)

Taryn: Be Mine

Beth: U-R-Hot

Angelinhel: Be True

Mahna: U-R-Cool

Roger: Hi Love

Woot: For Keeps

Scarlett: (using a magnifying glass) "Sarah, will you marry me? --David"

Mahna:.... I think I grabbed the wrong bag. (shrugs and pops another one into her mouth) Bleh! I don't care if these are only three calories apiece. I'm going to get chocolate.

Tananda: Right behind you, Mahna.

(As several people leave, Taryn grabs another heart from the bag.)

Taryn: "David: Not on your life, bucko! --Sarah" Ooooo.... that's gotta hurt.
_______________

*a note before u read: The girl(s) + boy(s) in this story are just for fun, not for real*

~Another v-day special~

*Beth walks into her room, walks over to the bed and collapse on it*

Beth: Valentine's day around here never changes. Woot gives everyone candy canes, where does she get those after christmas? Taryn gives homemade Valentines. Muffins from Scarlett.....all the same. *goes to roll on her stomache and hits a box of chocolates with a note on it, picks it up and reads the note*

(out in the lobby)

Woot:*with a candy cane in her mouth* lots and lots and lots of candy for Woot!! YAY!! *starts eating her basket full of candy*

Mahna: You guys should take this lesson to heart....NEVER give Woot, a large amount of candy, she will eat it in....

*Woot finishes the rest of the candy and puts another candy cane in her mouth*

Mahna:.....five seconds and then she'll get really hyper and, well, no offense, Woot, annoying.

Woot: No offense taken, it is true. But thanks to Tananda, i can eat all that candy, pop this simple pill into my mouth...*holds up a red and white colored pill* and i will act as if i ate nothing. *puts the pill in mouth and swallows* Thank you tananda.

Tananda: I thought that would be a good v-day present for her. *smiles*

Angel:Hey Woot, where's my v-day present? I didn't even get a candy cane.

Woot: I gave angel a special present....he he

Angel: y dun i like the "he he" part? ACK!!!! U lil.....u ruined my grammer....stop it now!!!

Woot:*falls to the floor laughing* Relax, it's only for that line in the story. You know i would never totally ruin your grammer.

Angel: *sigh* Oh my gosh, that was horrible.....

*Everyone hears beth scream from her room. Everyone rushes to her room to check on her*

Angel:Beth, are you ok?

Beth: Ok? OK?! I'm great!!!! *dances around the room hugging the note* I have a secret admirer!!

Taryn:I've always wanted a secret admirer, *cue romantic music* it's soooo romantic....*continues to day dream*

Tananda: hmmmm....a secret admirer of beth....It has to be Roger!

Scarlett: i say it's huggy....

Woot: I say it's....Dark wing....maybe?

*****
He smiled from his room when he heard the scream. He'd gotten Tux to take the note to his love (if only so in his disturbing fantasies). Getting off his bed, he went to the closet where he had a refigerator box filled with the complete works of his dear heart. "The Age-Old Question", "The Relation-dateship Trap" and countless others were in stacks of well-worn paper. Tears in his eyes, he read the first page of each, his heart fluttering. One day... he thought to himself, One day, when I'm free and you're older...we'll be together.

There was a knock on the door.

"Come in?" he sniffled.

A tallish woman entered. "Are you crying? Is it that girl?"

He sighed. "Yes. I just love her so much ." The woman closed her eyes and he brightened. "Well, you always told me that the more a girl teases you, the more she likes you! She must love me!"

The woman suddenly looked uncomfortable. "Yes, Tom. I'm sure that's it." Opening the door, she left her son in his borderline euphoria over his new realization.

(The Cave)

Beth was suspicious. She had now received four different secret admirer notes in four very, unfakeably different handwritings this week alone. She watched as her fellow Cavers pored over the newest one, bit into a pink-colored chocolate muffin, and went back to thinking about pretending to write today.

*****
"Excuse me."

"Hmm?" Ranger looked around at the blue-haired man who was talking to him. "Can I help you with something?" He set down the picture of Kevo that Taryn had asked him to hang.

"I was told you give tours."

"Tours? Me?" Ranger looked confused. "They won't even give me an updated map of the place since I accidently cut the power line, and now they want me to give tours?"

"The cute one told me that it was the teal-haired guy at the end of the tunnell."

"My wife showed up?"

"Does your wife have blue hair?" The man was getting annoyed.

"Oh, one of the young cute ones." Ranger smiled. "Sorry. Uh," he looked around, "I can give you a tour of the more public areas, I guess."

"That's fine."

"Okay, then." Ranger rubbed his hands together as he gathered his thoughts. "We'll start over here with the menagerie. At least, that's what I call it. I really think it's where they keep Kevo. You'll have to ask Taryn about him......"

*****
Beth got increasingly suspicious as the days wore on and the letters and gifts kept coming. Four different secret admirerers, four best friends who had been trying to think of a way to cheer her up after Danny dumped her, it fit just a little bit too well. She called a meeting with the rest of the IUF.

“The jig is up.” She announced when they were all gathered together, “I know what you’re up to.”

“Alright, I confess!” Tananda wailed. “I was the one who plastered your room with “I love Tom” posters!”

“Um...yeah, I kind of new that already. I was talking about my so called secret admirerers.” Beth said casting an accusing glance around at the other four neon haired teens.

“Oh,” Tananda said softly looking at a spot on the wall above Beth’s head. Taryn and Mahna also averted their eyes and shifted uncomfortably in their chairs. Scarlett, oblivious to it all, sat stroking a muffin and talking to it lovingly.

Beth’s face cloded over.“Your body language says it all. I was right. I have no secret admirerers. You guys wrote the notes, didn’t you?”

“Beth, you have to understand…” Taryn began.

“We only wanted to cheer you up.” Mahna interjected.

“We had the best of intentions.” Tananda said innocently.

“Didn’t you?” Beth persisted.

“Yes.”

“Yes”

“Yes”

“You’re a pretty muffin, yes you are. You’re the prettiest little …Hmmm? What are we confessing to?”

“Writing the love notes.”

Scarlett brightened, “That would have been a great idea! I was just baking you extra muffins.”

“So one of my secret admirerers is real?” Beth said in disbelief.

“Yep, I guess so.” Scarlett shrugged then went back to talking to her muffin.

Beth’s happy cries echoed through the cave of bad fiction.

Meanwhile, across town…

This was it; it was time. No more mucking around with notes. Tom was going to confess his love, tonight.

*****
Putting on his blue jacket and "I love writer chicks" button, Tom thought about how he should tell Beth that it was he who loved her. Girls only tease you because they like you. Er, and only treat you like dirt because they love you! he thought to himself as he looked at the blueprints of Underground Lawndale Tad Gupty had drawn out for him.

He quietly walked along the street-light lit street, grateful that they had turned down the 'sun' and no one would see him make his escape. Finally, he reached <EDITED OUT. NOTHING HERE. DO NOT PLAN TO ESCAPE.>

Skipping into Corridor Blue was easy enough from there, so he went to her room and knocked quietly.

"Yes?" he heard his love call from the other side of the door.

"Er..." his throat closed and he forgot everything he wanted to say, his plan, and whether or not he was wearing clean socks.

Hearing a sigh and the sound of someone walking to the door, he tried to compose himself. Failing that, he decided to at least wipe the drool off his chin. The door opened and Beth stood there, shocked.

"Why are you here?" she scowled.

"Hey, your shirt's like Daria's.." he said unintelligently.

"You're a freak. I hate you. And don't you dare talk about Daria." She folded her arms. "Well? Why ar- How did you get out of Lawndale?!"

Tom tried to answer her, but honestly couldn't remember. She was making his heart beat in his ears again.

"N-n-nooooote?" he mumbled and smiled at her.

Beth stepped out of her room, deciding it'd be safer if this worse-than-on-the-show-evil-friend-breaker-upper couldn't get in there.

"Why don't we go to the library.." she frowned at the lovesick looking weirdo who just nodded and followed her there.

He sat down on the couch and she sat as far away from him as she could.

"Well?"

He giggled a little, slid over, and kissed her.

At that moment, Taryn came in. "Hello? I heard a-OH DEAR GALEN! WHAT THE SPAM ARE YOU DOING, BETH?!?!"

here was a loud thump as Taryn fainted followed by a loud laugh from Tananda who had been coming to investigate the noises herself.

She smiled widely. “Tom and Beth kissing. Great setup, we’re on one of those hidden camera shows, right?” She waved at the ceiling, “Hello, faithful viewers!”

Beth, who had just disentangled herself from Tom, shook her head. Whether it was to answer Tananda’s question, clear her head, or just express her disbelief at the situation was uncertain. “Get out,” she said softly after a moment.

“What?” Tom asked looking confusedly at his love.

“Get out,” Beth said a little bit louder, she pointed at the door. “Get out! GET THE CRATOON AWAY FROM ME!”

Tom’s mouth opened in shock, this wasn’t the reaction he had hoped for. He collected himself as best as he could, said in a dignified voice, “As you wish.” and walked out of the library.

As soon as he was gone Tananda and the newly conscious Taryn walked over to the still shocked Beth. Taryn laid a hand on Beth’s shoulder.

“He was your secret admirer?” Taryn asked.

Beth nodded numbly and Tananda started to involuntarily laugh again.

“That’s horrible !” Taryn wailed. Tananda scowled at her but she pretended not to notice and continued, “I mean here you were thinking it was some gorgeous, intelligent, wonderful, perfectly suited to you guy and all along it was (she paused and shuddered) Tom Sloane.”

“He is cute,” Beth said, “And intelligent.”

Tananda and Taryn stared at Beth in disbelief.

“But he’s Tom!” Taryn practically shouted, “You know Tom Sloane the arrogant, condescending, cheating, jerk from Daria!”

“All said were the obvious facts. I’m well aware of who he is…still, he can’t be that bad can he?”

Tananda screamed, “It’s the apocalypse! The world is coming to an end!”

Beth made a calming motion with her hand, “I’m just saying that he can’t be as bad as I always made him out to be. Besides, eventually all guys do something stupid, maybe…maybe I should give Tom a chance.”

Taryn’s mouth flopped open and shut soundlessly. “I have no response to that.” She said when she regained her ability to speak, “There is no response to that. Obviously the tumor has reached your brain. We have to get you to a doctor right away.”

“Just stop and listen to me for a second Taryn!” Beth pleaded, “I don’t know what I’m doing yet! He’s Tom, my worst enemy, but those letters were so sweet, and then he came here and…and well you saw what happened …and…and…he has green eyes Taryn! Did you know that? Green! I always thought they were gray; I had never looked closely at them before. They’re a smoky green; you know how I feel about green eyes! But he’s Tom! I hate him! I’m really confused right now and I would like to know you guys will stand by me no matter what. Will you? Can I count on you to stand by me?” Beth babbled, an earnest look on her face.

“Of course!” Tananda assured her.

“Yes,” Taryn sighed, “But I still don’t like it.”

“Good,” Beth said regaining her cool, “Now let’s all go get some sleep. I hope things will look clearer in the morning.”

Tananda and Taryn nodded and started to make their way back to their own corridors.

“One more thing,” Beth called after them. “Please don’t tell Mahna about this, at least not until I make up my mind. After all the shipper wars and all the things I said about Tom….the teasing would be horrible.”

“Well, o.k.” Tananda said reluctantly.

Taryn nodded, “Only because it’s you.”

Beth thanked her friends and they all headed back to their respective corridors. Unsurprisingly Beth couldn’t get back to sleep that night.

*****
Tom made his way sadly back to underground Lawndale. That hadn’t gone well at all. Maybe (and he hated to admit it) Beth really didn’t like him. He mulled that thought over for a couple blocks until he ran into (literally) a very familiar girl with long purple hair.

“What are you doing here?” He asked Mahna as he helped her up.

She smiled sheepishly.“Oh I was installing a Karaoke machine in the Pizza King.”

Tom chuckled then fixed Mahna with an imploring look, “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“How would you feel if you thought somebody acted like they hated you because they loved you but then you started to suspect they acted like they hated you because they really did hate you?”

Mahna frowned. “Pretty bad I guess. But if someone hates you though why bother, with them? I mean, there are plenty of people out there who like you Tom,” she blushed, “Like me for instance.”

Tom ventured a small smile. The night had been pretty horrible but now things were starting to look up.

*****
At that exact moment over at the cave of bad fiction Beth sat straight up in her bed. Tom’s last words to her, they were from the Princess Bride! He had seen (or maybe even read, that would’ve been even better) the Princess Bride! And moreover he had said, “As you wish” and everyone knew what that meant. Beth smiled dreamily; maybe Tom deserved a chance after all.

Mahna walked back into the cave and stopped when she saw the still pale Taryn. "Taryn, are you ok?"

"Can't... speak... too... horrible....." said Taryn, twitching a bit. "The horror.... the horror!"

"What's up with her?" Tananda asked as she walked out of corridor purple.

"Beats me. Why were you in corridor purple?" Mahna asked as she walked back towards her room.

"You'll find out soon enough." She replied with a laugh.

"You didn't plant furbys in Woot's room again did you?" Mahna asked.

"Not quite...."

"FURBYS!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Taryn screamed as she dived under the couch.

"Relax Taryn, no fur..." Tananda started.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" Taryn screamed again as she raced out from under the couch and into her room, slamming the door.

Woot walked in then and sauntered toward her room grumbling about homework. "Stupid homework...who needs it...too much..."

Tananda started to giggle again and said, "Show in 5...4...3...2..1,"

"OH MY GOSH!!!!" Woot screamed for her room. Tananda tried desperatly to try to hold in laughter as Woot ran out of of her room clutching a note. "He does love me!!! HE DOES!!!"

Mahna pulled Tananda aside. "You didn't..."

"I couldn't resist," she said, as Woot showed everyone the note.

"Trent does love me!!!" Woot screamed a final time before running back to her room.
_______________

(in the Cave's common room)

(Kristen is sitting dreamy-eyed in a large armchair, writing in a notebook. As she sighs contently, Roger comes in and reads over her shoulder.)

Roger: "Charles Bealer"?

Kristen: "Kristen Ruttheimer" didn't have as nice a ring to it.
_______________

"Squeekums Initiation"

(Squeekums and Woot are walking into the mouth of the Cave of Bad Fiction)

Woot: Don't worry. You'll be fine.

Squeekums: They're going to ambush me when we come in. I just know it.

Woot: Yeah, but at least you're prepared.

Mahna: Nah, we're trying the sneak attack method right now.

(points to Squeekums hair, which is suddenly lavendar with purple zigzags. Woot looks at the hair for a moment, then at Mahna, then screams)

Woot: Don't scare me like that!

(Mahna and Sqeekums roll their eyes)

Mahna: You'll be in my purple corridor. Come on in.

(They do.)

Mahna: Ok.... I'm going to introduce the IUF and explain some stuff about them... here's......

(Suddenly, Tanandarians start popping out of nowhere)

Tananda: The show is named after me! Daria rules!

Beth: Oo! That gives me a story idea!

Taryn: Oo! That gives me a drawing idea!

Scarlett: Muffin? (offers one to Squeekums)

Mahna:..... Ok. My job's done. Oh, and one last thing.... don't tell anyone here anything about real life. Not about school.... or extra cirriculars.... or anything! And you definitely can't tell them my real name or address!

Squeekums: Why not?

Mahna: Because if you do, I'd have to kill you.

Squeekums: (bursting out in laughter) Ha ha! You.... killing somebody... oh that's hillarious... ha ha.....(sees Mahna glaring menacingly)..... ha..... Ok. No names. No credentials.

Mahna: That's all I ask.

Squeekums: You're scary on the internet.

Mahna: (grins) Don't I know it.
_______________

Beth: Someone new! Hooray!

Manha: We haven't had a hair coloring initiation in soooo long!

Tananda (gets out massive catalog o' colors): Now let's see...

Scarlett (to the muffin she's holding): Does the new girl like muffins? Well, I don't know, muffin, we should ask her. But who doesn't like muffins? Anyone who's normal does, anyway...

Angel walks by the living area with both her pitchforks and a small bag.

Woot: Hey Angel! Did u meet the new girl? We were picking out hair colors.

Taryn: Where should we put her? Pink corridor is woefully underoccupied.

Angel (pausing): She can have my room.

Beth: Blue already has enough...wait where will you stay then? You want to switch corridors?

They notice she's packed.

Tananda: Are you...going somewhere?

Angel: I'm leaving. I don't know if I'll be back.

Taryn: Is it something we said?

Angel: No, not you. You guys are fun. Keep writing. Oh, and here-

She hands each a brand-new sliver pitchfork.

Angel: So you keep each other inspired.

She leaves.

Kevo: Kevo?

Taryn: I don't know Kevo.

The IUF shrug and go back to initaiting the newbie.
_______________

Woot: Welcome my two friends! Noone u should notice squeekums has a new hair color of purpl and lavander zigzags, now it is ur turn!!! MWAHAHAHA!!! get him!!!!

*everyone dives onto Noone and dyes his hair black and red*

Noone: MY HAIR!!!......looks....good....i like thx

Beth: Oh great, and he has grammer like Woot....

Noone: nu i dun!!!

Woot: he is my slave!!! MWAHAHA