TANANDARIA SEASON FIFTEEN
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(The Subterranean Willow Grove)
(Folding chairs have been set up in front of a poorly built wooden stage. Various cave dwellers are milling around, either looking for seat or abusing the nacho bar. The IUF are on one side trying to console a trembling Tayrn, all save for Beth, who is gazing indecisively at a small statuette of Tom, and Scarlett who is trying to feed her hand puppet a muffin.)

>Speaker Distortion<

(Everyone quickly settles down.
(Nomad is now on the stage wearing a green battle-scarred lab coat and dragging out a large crate)

NomadX: Greetings fellow cave dudes! Long have we been troubled by the drugged out emoticon known s Kevo...

Taryn: Kevo!

NomadX: Yes, Kevo. Now, in the grand scientific tradition of playing ahvoc with local ecosystems, I, and SlaveN00bs Bob1 and Milton, have come upon a solution by reverse engineering Calvin’s transmorgrofiera and...

LS: THAT’S NOT SLAVE N00B MILTON! THAT’S EVIL THOM IN A MILTON SUIT!

Crowd: Shock and Gasp!

Ranger Thorn: When o when will the madness end?

Roger’s penguin: ...

(Milton rips off his face, revealing that he truly IS Evil Thom)

Thom: MwuaHA! (evilly stoking his Fu Manchu Mustache) So I am! But there is nothing you can do about it now! (He lunges at the crate)

Nomad: No! Their still unstable!

(The crate violently ruptures spewing forth hundreds of rapidly multiplying Jigglypuffs into the grove.)
_______________

[Scene: A dark and stormy night outside the surface entrance to the IUF's underground lair. A figure waits behind a tall rock, near a hidden woodland path. In moments, another figure approaches along the path.]

FIRST FIGURE: Yo.

SECOND FIGURE: Oh, hey. [short laugh, fake British accent] I say, is that you, Double-Oh Seven?

FIRST FIGURE (ROGER): [makes a face] Knock it off, Tom.

SECOND FIGURE (TOM SLOANE): [imitates Pierce Brosnan voice] The name's Bond. James Bond.

ROGER: [shakes head] Grow up. You're worse than Butthead.

TOM: [false anguish] Hey, that hurt my feelings .

ROGER: Another joke about my name, and I'll summon certain members of the IUF who will hurt a lot more than your feelings.

TOM: [serious now] All right. Damn. Touchy fellow, aren't ya?

ROGER: So, you want the whole IUF, right?

TOM: [panicked] Hey, they'll hear you, idiot!

ROGER: No, they won't. They're downstairs watching a Dariathon on the big-screen plasma TV, eating popcorn. I cooked up twenty bowls of it and left enough soft drinks to keep them going to the bathroom for hours.

TOM: Are they watching the fourth and fifth seasons?

ROGER: Why would they do that? [beat] Oh, right, because-- [points to Tom]

TOM: Well, excuse me for blowing my horn a little. That was my breakout into big-time TV.

ROGER: You blew a lot more than your horn.

TOM: What? What's that supposed to mean?

ROGER: Nothing. Forget it. So, you want the IUF?

TOM: Uh, yeah. All of them. Even Woot and wotzername, the Upchuck lover from Iowa somewhere.

ROGER: Fine. You got 'em. They're ready for delivery whenever you want 'em.

TOM: [beat] What? You're joking.

ROGER: If I was joking, I would have said, What do Canadians call a woman who can carry six beer mugs in either hand?

TOM: Huh? What?

ROGER: Bridget.

TOM: [very confused] Whaaat?

ROGER: They call her Bridget. That's her name. Bridget.

TOM: What the hell kind of joke is that?

ROGER: A Canadian joke. The punchline in a Canadian joke is supposed to be a letdown. I learned about them in college.

TOM: At least you didn't waste your time there. Look, did you get me to come all the way out here from Lawndale just to tell me about Canadian jokes, or what?

ROGER: Nah. Just wanted to let you know you can have the IUF. Did you bring that tractor trailer like I told you to?

TOM: Yeah, it's down the road about a hundred yards. How are you going to get them out?

ROGER: I'll go back inside in a few minutes and jam the bathroom door shut, then I'll knock out the power to the TV. They'll all run for the bathroom at the same time, and I'll tell them there's a Port-a-Potty outside inside a truck, and they'll all come upstairs and run into the truck. You shut the tailgate, and presto. They're yours.

TOM: [blinks] Whoa. And you're giving them to me for free?

ROGER: Nope.

TOM: [grins] Ah, I figured there was a price. What's your price?

ROGER: Linda Griffin.

TOM: [long pause, grins fades] What? The acoustics are bad out here, and I thought you said you--

ROGER: Linda Griffin. I want Linda Griffin.

TOM: [pause] You mean Sandi, right?

ROGER: No, her mom. Linda.

TOM: Aren't you the guy with the penguin fetish?

ROGER: [shrugs] That's what I want them to think.

TOM: [nods] Okay, I can buy that, but why Linda Griffin?

ROGER: [takes a deep breath] Because she's hot.

TOM: [backs up a step] Whoa, okay, I am officially creeped out now. Aren't you supposed to be married or something?

ROGER: Aren't you supposed to be a cartoon character?

TOM: What does that have to do with anything?

ROGER: My question exactly.

TOM: [starts to smile] You know, I could get to like you.

ROGER: And now I'm the one who's officially creeped out. Why do you want the IUF, anyway?

TOM: They're going to be my new sweatshop labor force. I need a lot of "I HEART TOM SLOANE" stickers for my campaign to get into the animated version of "Sex and the City."

ROGER: Whatever. Deal?

TOM: Yeah, deal. Sure. So, I've got the truck here. What next?

ROGER: Be right back. Go hide in those bushes there.

TOM: Oh, yeah. Sure.

[Tom runs off to the bushes--and a huge SNAP! echoes through the night. The bushes fall apart to reveal Tom caught inside an animal cage.]

ROGER: All right, he's yours! Come and get 'em!

[The entire IUF and all their associates and allies pour out from the underground lair, cheering.]

MANHA MANHA: [shouting] He's mine! All mine! Mine, I tell you!

BETH ANN: Burn him! But first let me kiss him goodbye! And let me write a story about it!

SCARLETT: He must face the Muffin of Inescapable Doom! The Muffinator!

TARYN: Grind his bones to make Kevo's bread!

KRISTEN: Upchuck? Upchuck, are you out here, too?

MANY OTHERS: Death to Tom! Death to Tom!

TOM: [shakes bars of cage] HOLY @#$@%%^%!!!! HELP!!! DARIA!!! JANE!!! HELP ME!!!

[The IUF and allies drag the cage into the underground lair as Tom screams.]

TANANDA: [walks up to Roger with a clipboard] Just sign here.

ROGER: What's this? You said you'd give me Linda Griffin.

TANANDA: Right, right. Sign there. And there. And there. [takes clipboard] She's all yours! [hands Roger a sheet of paper he's signed, points to a tied-up figure under a nearby tree, then goes inside the underground lair and shuts the steel door and locks it.]

ROGER: [goes to figure, unties her and takes off the mouth gag] Linda?

SANDI GRIFFIN: [getting up] What in the hell is going on here?

ROGER: Whaaat? What the hell is--?

SANDI: I said that already! Who the hell are you, my new dad?

ROGER: [looks at sheet of paper with his flashlight] Holy @#%$%^%, this is an adoption paper! Oh, @$$^#%&#%^&%!!!!

SANDI: [crosses arms, looking mad] Look, if you're my new dad, we're going to get the ground rules straight. First, you do whatever I want. Second, there are no other rules except the first rule. Third, if there is a question about the rules, go to rule number one.

ROGER: [runs to IUF underground lair door and beats on it] YOU CHEATED ME! COME OUT HERE RIGHT NOW AND FIX THIS!

SANDI: My first demand is, give me all your money and your credit cards, and do it now! There's a big sale on at Cashman's, and it ends at midnight! Where's your car? It'd better be a Stingray! I can't go out on dates in anything less!

ROGER: GAAAAH!!!!
_______________

(Late night. Cave of bad fiction entrance hall. The front door knob jiggles back and forth like someone’s trying to open it from the outside only to find it’s locked. There’s a loud sigh from outside the door. We hear footsteps then the sound of glass breaking from off screen. Beth enters from the right side of the screen covered in bits of broken glass, she is unhurt. She walks over to the door, opens it, and walks back out. She disappears for a second then comes back inside leading a large animal that looks like a cross between an ostrich and big bird on a leash, the animal has a human-sized, squirming burlap sack on it’s back. The bird thing squawks loudly and Beth makes a shushing motion at it.)

Scarlett (off screen, scared voice): Who ever that is out there, I must warn you…I have muffins and I’m not afraid to use them.

Tananda (off screen as well): And I’ve got a penguin. I’m not sure what use he’ll be in a fight but I’ve got one nonetheless.

Taryn (where do you think she is?): (to Tan) He’ll be very useful he one of the kung fu fighting mini penguins from the IUFMB.

Mahna (yep, off screen): We’ve got you surrounded… come out with your hands up.

Beth: Guys?

Taryn: (excited) Beth, is that you?

(The IUF run on screen and hug Beth. Girlish screams abound)

Mahna: (beaming) I knew you would come back, they all come back. (She looks over at Angelinhel who has been tied to a chair to prevent her from leaving again) Isn’t that right Kristin?

Kristin: Help me. They’ve been making me look at pages of net speak and bad grammar as payment for leaving and they took my pitchfork.

Tananda: Hey, at least we let you out of the Degrassi Room of Terror…finally.

Scarlett: (to Beth) So does this mean you’re back for good?

Beth: (shrugs) More or less. I’ll be popping in and out. How did the blue corridor hold up while I was gone?

(The camera cuts to a place that looks like a bomb has hit it. Chunks are missing from the ceiling and in places entire walls are gone. Trash is piled knee high and shell-shocked people wander aimlessly through the halls. Kevo, his mouth bloodstained, is chasing random penguins. Cut back to the entrance hall.)

Mahna: (uneasily) Uh…fine, just fine. But no sense in going there now, what have you been up to? What’s with the bird and the bag?


Beth: (she pats the bird like thing): This is Coco my pet Chocobo. (The IUF and Kristin look at her blankly) You know chocobos, from the Final Fantasy games? They raise them like chickens. (More blank looks) Never mind. In the bag is my new boyfriend, Baralai. (She opens the bag to reveal a tied and gagged tan young man. He’s struggling to break free) He didn’t react well to being kidnapped. He just hasn’t realized that we’re meant to be together yet.

Scarlett: Beth, that’s creepy, even for us.

Tananda: (cheerfully) Nothing’s too creepy for us.

Scarlett: But he’s a character from a video game.

Beth: I know he’s the two dimensional praetor of New Yevon and I’m an obsessed stalker/ kidnapping fan girl but I believe…in time, we can work through those differences and have a normal, healthy relationship.

Scarlett: Okaaaaay, I see someone hasn’t been taking their magenta pills.

Taryn: But what about Tom?

Beth: (troubled look) I hadn’t thought about that.

Announcer: Will Beth choose the cute secondary character from FFX2 or the hunky yet evil Tom Sloane? Find out on the next exciting installment of: Beth’s Big, Fat, Stupid Welcome Back Story! *

*Not connected with the other Tom story, even though I mention Tom in here.

*****
*Woot walks into the room wearing her trademark fisherman's hat and carrying a large burlap sack*

Mahna- Woot! looks who's back!! *Woot continues walking* Woot?...

Woot- oh yeah...hi beth....*walks to her room. You hear a large thump and the suffling of feet as Woot drags her feet across her room.*

Beth- What's up with her? *starts to walk toward Woot's room*

Tananda- *stops beth* I wouldn't....

Beth-Why?

Taryn- We're not really sure what's up with her but latly she's been keeping to herself.

Scarlett- And she hasn't muffins stopped wearing muffins that hat of hers.

Mahna- I've even tried talking to her, multiple times, and she just locks me out of her room and only comes out to eat.

Angel- She won't even torture me with bad grammar anymore.

Beth- Hmmm.....That's not like Woot....I wonder what's wrong.
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Tanandaria St. Patrick's Day Special
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(Mahna and Woot dart through the halls of the Cave of Bad Fiction. Mahna is dressed in a light green dress and Woot has a white shirt and green capris. Both have green beads on and large Leprechaun hats.)

Mahna: No target in sight.

Woot: Destination.... the kitchen.

(The dart off to the kitchen.)

(In the kitchen, they spot Angelinhel, decked in a blue Tshirt and jeans. She is turned facing the counter)

Mahna: Target spotted.

Woot: I see her. She appears to be making.... a sandwich.

Mahna: See any green?

Woot: Not externally, anyway.

Mahna: Woot? Ew.

Woot: What?

Mahna: Never mind....commence with the St. Patrick's Day punches?

Woot: Bring it on.

(They sneak up behind Angel and each give her a slight punch on the back.)

Angel: (jumps) Ah!!!! (turns around) What was *that* for?

Woot: St. Patrick's Day!

Mahna: You weren't wearing any green! No holiday spirit!

Angel: (rubs her back and looks at their attire) Why can't you celebrate this holiday like *normal* people?

Mahna: We're under the legal drinking age.

Angel: Ah.

*****
Angel: That doesn't explain why you dressed like that *yesterday*.

Woot: True holiday spirit needs to be warmed up beforehand.

Mahna: That's why they invented Christmas Eve.

Angel: ......ok...that makes sense.... I guess.
Um, happy St. Patricks Day!

Mahna: Thanks!

Woot: Searching for a new target now?

Mahna: Oh yeah.

(They run out of the room and into the hallway where they see Tananda dressed in purple.)

Mahna: Hey! You're not wearing green!

Tananda: Ahem! (points to hair)

Woot: Oh yeah, I forgot.

Mahna: Aw, shoot.

Tananda: I am the ultimate in greenness, thank you very much.

Woot: Yes, yes.... now Mahna, are we done yet?

Mahna: (pulls a list from her pocket) It looks like we've checked everyone for green-ness.

Woot: Aw, what do we do now?

Tananda: It's a good thing you asked... you see, in an effort to keep in mind the true meaning of St. Patrick's Day, somebody filled the Green Corridor with snakes. So, anybody want to help me drive them out?

(Looks around to see that Mahna and Woot have bolted at the mention of snakes.)

Tananda: Aw, son of a Blarney. What am I gonna do now?

(Woot and Mahna hide out in Woot's room)

Woot-Snakes....*shudder* I love being of Irish ancestry!

Mahna-Same here. Check if the coast is clear.

Woot-ok...*sticks her head out the door*

Tananda-Thanks, Kevo, for helping me with the snakes. A penguin at your request. *sets a peguin free for kevo to chase, which he does*

Woot-*sticks her head back in* Yep...they're done with the snakes. Want a St. Pat's day cookie. Made fresh by yours truly.

Mahna- Sure. *grabs a cookie*

(After some cookie munching, a package comes done Woot's mail shoot. Mahna walks over and picks it up.)

Mahna- Woot, you have a package.

Woot- A package? From who?

Mahna- Doesn't say...
_______________

The IUF and associates are all in the cave, looking at Mahna Mahna and Woot with concern. The two are facing away from each other, refusing to speak.

Tananda : Come on, guys, can’t we all just get along?

Beth Ann : Yeah, it just isn’t Tanandaria with you two mad at each other!

The others huddle.

Taryn : What are we going to do? They’ve got to start talking, or things will never be the same!

Angelinhel : Well, there’s always the Magic Room of Reconciliation.

Scarlett : What? When did we get one of those?

Angelinhel : As soon as it was convenient for the plot.

Scarlett : Oh. Okay.

The IUF and others throw Mahna and Woot in the MRoR and lock the doors.

Mahna Mahna : (OS) Hey! You can’t just lock us in a room together and expect us to agree!

Woot : (OS) Yeah, what she said! Oh, wait. Did we just agree?

Mahna Mahna : (OS) Yeah. But you guys aren’t going to make us agree on anything else!

Woot : (OS) That’s right! Shoot, I did it again. Well, now that we’ve agreed twice, can we come out?

Taryn : Not until you hug!

Mahna Mahna : (OS) I’ll give these nice, delicious muffins to whoever lets us out!

Scarlett lunges for the door, but Kristen stops her.

Kristen : She’s bluffing! She doesn’t really have any muffins.

Woot : (OS) Well, how about this chocolate?

Kristen lunges for the door. The others tackle her.

Kristen : Oh. Right.

They huddle again.

Tananda : This still isn’t working. I think we need to try something drastic.

Beth Ann : You mean…?

Tananda nods. Fade out as everyone gasps. In the dark, the sound of a door quickly opening and closing can be heard. Suddenly…

Kevo : (OS) KEVOOOOOOOOO!!!
_______________

Scene: The IUF is gathered around in a conference room, which looks pretty normal if you ignore the flying penguin and the ostrich on a leash.

Tananda:Okay people, i've noticed latley we've had a lack of daria stalking. Anyone know how we can fix this?

Mahna:Let's see...so far daria has managed to escape from being tied up in a moving vehicle, being held in a net in a helicopter, got away from underground lawndale three times, which, by the way, i've noticed we've had several escapes latley, and lets not forget the one incident at the pizza place. I think she's got us beat so far.

Scarlett: Any chance we can try just being nice to her? Maybe, if we bake her some muffins, we can...

Tananda: I don't think that would work. SHe seems to not like us for some odd reason. *Shrug* But Come on people, We need ideas! How can we get close to Daria without her noticing very fast?

Beth: Hmm...*gets a thoughtful look, starts writing furiously in a notebook*

Taryn: Please...Do NOT tell me you just got another "Great idea for a story"

Beth: No no no...I think...Yeah...I've got a plan. Okay, here's what we're going to do....*the IUF huddles together and Beth starts whispering*

Meanwhile...

*****
Scene: Quinn's bedroom, her and the other members of the fashion club are gathered around with several issues of Waif spread out between them. Sandi clears her throat and the others turn to look at her.

Sandi: I will now call this meeting of the Fashion club To order. I called this emergency meeting to discuss one thing. As you know, we recently had an Incident involving Tiffany and Stacy's slip up in wardrobe. I think it's time that we got more help in the club to prevent incidents like this from happening. All in favor? *glares at the others until they raise their hands* Good. Motion passes.

Scene: The IUF is seen at Cashman’s, looking through at the racks with disgust. they sigh and start looking around.

Taryn (O/S): Hey guys! i think i found something! (the group walks over to find her holding up some horrible creation with neon colored plaid and zippers. the others look at it with a mixture of fear and confusion) I think it’ll work...right?

Tananda: Taryn....maybe it’s best we pick out your outfit. You seem to have a very....Unique....sense of style.

Taryn: You honestly think you can find something better?

Beth: Sure we can! Um...look at this! *holds up a dark blue sweater and something else blue attatched to it that we can’t really tell what it is*

Mahna: What *is* “This”?

Beth: Well, obviously, it’s a...um...ok. we need help.

Voice (O/S): Do you Need some help? (the camera moves to see Teresa, the clerk.) It looks like you got here just in time.. i think we can undo some of the damage... (the girls look at each other, take a deep breathe and nod)

*****
Scene: A few hours later, the girls walk out of the store, now visibly wearing make up and wearing hats to cover up their hair.

Taryn: (now wearing a red sweater with a denim skirt) I feel Dirty....The bad kind of dirty. *she tugs at the skirt* How long do we have to wear these outfits?

Tananda: (wearing a black tank top with a green stripe and shorts) Don’t worry. We just have to wear them long enough so that the fashion club thinks we’re....n..n..n..ormal. *shudder* Then once we get in, everything will be fine. I think.

Beth:(wearing a blue T shirt and a blue pleated skirt) So, what exactly do we do now? Just walk into LHS, and force Sandi to accept us in the club, then capture Daria and drag her back to Lawndale? (the others look thoughtful) No..Oh Come *on* You don’t Honestly Think it’ll work Do You?

Mahna: (now wearing a purple sweater and white pants) Well, I don’t think we really have any other plans. Unless You count Scarlett’s...

Scarlett:(pink T shirt and khaki skirt) Hey! What’s wrong with my plan? It’s simple! We just lure Daria Into the van using muffins. It’s a breeze! *the others just shake their heads at her*

*****
Scene: Lawndale High School. Other students are walking around talking to friends and sitting down in front of the school. we see the IUF holding walkie Talkies and crouched behind various objects, attempting to hide.

Tananda (to walkie talkie): Come in. Target spotted. I will procede with plan A in 30 seconds. over.

Beth: (through walkie talkie): will you cut that out? we’re not on a covert mission, we’re just going to talk to a group of girls. and please, DON’T freak out.

Tananda: What are you talking about? just because I happen to take a slight interest in Daria doesn’t mean I’m going to go crazy over one of the characters. *laughter is heard from the walkie talkie. Tan scowls and throws it at Beth. after she recovers they start walking toward the fashion club*

Scarlett:(sounding just a bit too enthusiastic) Hi, I’m Scarlett. This is Taryn, Mahna, Beth Ann, and Tananda. We’re...um...new here, and were wondering if you could show us around.

Sandi: Why don’t you try that Jodie girl, or whatever, we have more important things to do.

Scarlett:(getting a disappointed look on her face)Oh...I see. Thanks...I guess....

Quinn: Wait! Just a minute. Sandi, didn’t you tell us the other day how it’s our responsibility to help the other students to keep up our good image? *leans closer and whispers in Sandi’s ear*and weren’t you also telling us about how we need new members?

Sandi: hmm...Girls, you’re in luck. it just so happens that we have an opening. We’ll teach you the basics of lawndale high, who to avoid, who to make friends with, what clubs to join....

Tananda: *to herself* Access Granted.
_______________

Scene - The IUFers are sitting in the living room of the cave all facing Woot.

Mahna-Now Woot, don't take this this wrong way....Let's see...How do we put this...

Tananda-...Your obsession with Trent is based on untrue facts.

Woot- But he gave me that letter....

(Taryn nudge Tananda)

Tananda-.....I...I wrote the letter...*looks at the floor*

Woot-Really?

(Tananda nods her head)

Beth-She was just having fun...just like that one time when she put f...

(Mahna both put hands over Beth's mouth before she has a chance to say furbys)

Taryn-Yeah, she was just joking.

(Woot starts laughing)

Scarlett-What in muffin's name is wrong with her?

Mahna-I'm guessing she had chocolate.

Woot-No...it's ok..no chocolate....i just can't believe i fell for it.

Tananda-*whispers to mahna* i thought you said that she'd take this a little hard?

Mahna-*whispers back* she usually does about stuff like this...

Woot-*stands up* Well, i'll be going to my room.

Beth-Why?

Woot- to plan my stalking!

Tananda- Huh?

Woot- It'll be alot more fun to stalk him now that he doesn't know about me! *goes to her room*

Taryn- I think we're rubbing off on her.

Beth-Should we take her on her first stalking trip? STORY IDEA!!!!! *starts to write feverishly in her steno pad*

Tananda- A stalking....we havn't really had a n00b stalking in awhile.....maybe tomorrow. Everyone clear.

(All knod and Scarlett jumps up and rushes into the kitchen)

Scarlett- Every celebration needs muffins!!!!

Taryn- Who's going to tell Woot?

Mahna-Woot loves surprises. We'll make it just that! A surprise!

Beth- Great idea!

*****
Scene -Next morning as Woot sits at the table eating her usual bacon breakfest, the IUFers sneak in behind her and blindfold her.

Woot-What's this all about you guys? Where are you taking me?

Taryn-If we wanted you to know, you would have been told.

Scarlett-*putting a muffins in Woot's mouth* A muffin for the road!

Tananda- Here we go!!