TANANDARIA SEASON FIVE
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Tananda- Mental tape?
Mahna- Check.
Tananda- Red Hair dye?
Mahna- Check.
Tananda- White hair dye?
Mahna- Check.
Tananda- Good. We're ready for her, then.
Tananda- She's not coming anytime soon is she?
Mahna- Nope.

(Beth comes running in brandishing hair dye flanked by Mahna and Tananda. She stops and looks around the room)
Beth: Nobody's here. Hey Mahna, when's your friend coming?
(Mahna shrugs)
Mahna: About the time when you finish the next chapter of Age Old Question.
Tananda: Which is going to be soon, right?
Beth: Soon? I said next week... Tananda, I was joking....it will be up tonight, I promise.... not the spoon Tan...this is turning out just like last time...call for help Mahna!
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Woot: Hi!
Mahna: There she is, girls! Attack!
(with that, the girls race to Woot, and in a blur of color, Woot emerges with white and red striped hair)
Woot: Ack! What have you done to my beautiful hair?!
Tananda: We fixed it!
Beth: Hmm... could have used more red....
Mahna: (to Woot) You get used to it, hon. By the way, nice Location, copycat!
Woot: But I am somewhere out there! And anyway, you are somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight!
Mahna: Drats. Trapped in a technicality.
_______________

(We see the seemingly abandoned set of the Lawndale Tango. Beth and Mahna suddenly walk into the picture flanked by Woot, Wonderbread, Krysten, and Savethepenguins who are all wearing shirts that say TANANDARIA NEWBIE on them in block letters. Beth raises a blue megaphone to her mouth.)
Beth: O.K. people, break’s over time to get back to work. I found some people to help with the lights, special effects, and whatever else we need.
(Mahna lifts up a purple megaphone)
Mahna: In other words, they’re our slaves. Feel free to run them ragged and make them indulge your every whim. That’s what they’re getting paid for.
(Beth lowers her megaphone and whispers to Mahna)
Beth: We’re not paying them… are we?
Mahna: No, but they don’t know that.
(Various members of the Lawndale Tango cast begin to walk on screen)
Beth: Brittany, where’s Kevin?
Brittany: He’s helping Angie change into her costume, isn’t that sweet of him?
(Beth and Mahna look at each other)
Mahna: I think it’s kinder not to tell her.
Beth: Kinder for who, Brittany or her cheating boyfriend?
Brittany: Cheating? (It finally dawns on her) Oooooooooo! I’ll get them, both of them. Nobody makes a fool out of me!
(Brittany storms off in a huff)
Beth: (to Woot) Follow her, and take the camera. We may get some real life murder footage.
(Woot follows Brittany out. Sandi and Quinn pull Mahna aside.)
Sandi: What is with these costumes that blue haired girl is making us wear? I mean turtlenecks? It’s not like Quinn has another neck zit or something.
Quinn: Sandi! I told you never to mention that.
Sandi: (insincerely) Oh gee sorry Quinn.
Mahna: Beth’s the detail girl; she’s in charge of the costumes not me. You are going to have to just trust her judgment.
(Quinn shakes her head.)
Quinn: I really thought I was getting through to Beth too. Why wouldn’t she take my advice?
(Quinn and Sandi walk off dejectedly. No sooner have they left then Elizabeth Haynes shows up in a giant gopher suit.)
Beth: What the…
Elizabeth: Newbie 56912 reporting for duty.
Beth: Why are you wearing that ridiculous costume?
Elizabeth: Well you told me all the newest newbies were going to be gophers for Lawndale Tango.
Beth: G-o-f-e-r not g-o-p-h-e-r. It’s a theater expression. Gofers, you know go fer this go fer that.
Elizabeth: (still slightly confused) Wouldn’t that be a go for then?
Krysten: You would think so, wouldn’t you? But then again this is Beth we’re talking about, you have to account for hick speak. You know fer instead of for, ya’ll or awla ya’ll instead of you all.
Beth: (pouting) I do not talk like a hick.
Krysten: (smug) say wash.
Beth: warsh
Krysten: hick.
Elizabeth: she’s right.
Beth: (angry) ya’ll are being too critical. (She starts to walk away talking to herself) wah sh. wah sh. wah-sh. warsh. Grrrrr!
Mahna: Wow, she really can’t say wash.
Wonderbread: That’s so sad.
Beth: awla ya’ll better jest hush.
(Beth storms off)
Krysten: (shrugs, smiles) That’s what she gets for making me join the PPMB.

Scarlett: (pokes Beth)Say wash!
Beth: "Warsh."
Scarlett:(pokes again) "Again!"
Beth: "Warsh."
Scarlett: (pokes again) "Again!"
Beth: (viciously smacks Scarlett, looks triumphant) "Warsh."
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Scarlett has an obscene number of cell phones around her, She checks to make sure they're all on.
"BETTING ON DELUSIONS!" She shouts and the phones all dial the number. Scarlett turns up the elevator music to an earsplitting volume and leaves, all the while entirely straight faced.
"What?" She asks the staring penguin in the hall.

Savethepenguins approaches. “oh my god, I’ve been looking for that penguin. *picks him up, puts him in a bag, and walks away* don’t worry little penguin, ill keep you safe from harm *starts running*”


Welcome!
Rule 1 You must always talk about Tanandaria
Rule 2 You must always think about Tanandaria
Rule 3 Bow before the Unserious Four!
I'm kidding about the first two, of course.
Rule 4: Do not obey rule #5
Rule 5: Obey rule #4
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(Beth, Taryn, and Krysten are carrying a squirming bag through the Tanandaria studio)
Taryn: I can’t believe we finally captured Tom Sloane!
Beth: Now we can kill him and make it look like an accident and those Tom lovers Mahna Mahna and Tananda will never find out.
(Taryn and Beth laugh maniacally. Krysten chuckles nervously)
Taryn: (whispering in Beth’s ear) what’s wrong with your friend? She’s not a Tom lover is she?
Beth: I really don’t know. We don’t talk about things like that since the unpleasantness.
(Screen fogs over and we go to flashback. A younger Beth and Krysten are reading the Harry Potter books in Beth’s room. Krysten looks up from her book.)
Krysten: I think Harry and Hermione would make a cute couple.
(Beth’s eyes go wide and she dives and chokes Krysten ala Homer and Bart on the Simpsons yelling Ron and Hermione not Harry and Hermione. Screen fogs over again and we go back to present.)
Beth: And we never discussed touchy subjects like HP ships or whether Tom is the devil in disguise or not again.
(Krysten has let go of her portion of the sack. She drops behind the bag and cuts out the back helping Tom crawl out and replacing him with a couple of penguins that just happened to be near by. Tom then runs away and Krysten goes back to helping carry the bag. Beth and Taryn notice none of this because they have been talking. Then one of the penguins in the bag lets out a squawk alerting Beth to Tom’s escape. She runs after him and tackles him to the ground. She begins to haul him back up to where Taryn and Krysten stand then a thought occurs to her.)
Beth: Hey, I just thought of something, you’re rich, evil, and pretty cute looking. You’re perfect for me! I don't need Colin any more.
Tom: What?
Beth: I’ve decided to spare your life if you go out with me.
Tom: I thought you hated me?
Beth: Yeah, (shrugs) but you fit all the requirements.
(Tom and Beth walk off together. Taryn frowns.)
Taryn: Well Tom escaped, kind of. Now what am I going to do with all this gasoline, wood, and the handy dandy burning stake I found? (She pauses, turns to Krysten, and smiles evilly) Hey Tom lover, come here.
Krysten: Eep!
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Tananda is happily browsing a listing of Daria websites, when she accidentally clicks on a link... A link that will bring her ultimate terror!
*****
Tananda: Oh COOL! A Daria message Board! Hmm... Wait... Wha...no, that's not right...
Message board post: THERE SHOULD BE AN EPISODE WHERE DARIA AND BRITTANY SWITCH BODIES THAT WOULD BE SO FUNNY. LIKE IF DARIA STARTS CHEERLEADING AND BRITTANY DRESSES GOTHIC I WOULD LOVE TO SEE AN EPISODE LIKE THAT.
Tananda: NO! You Fool! Daria is over! I mean, I know we want it back, but they don't... OH DEAR GOD! MY EYES! MAKE IT STOP! *starts hyperventilating*
Message board post: I THINK DARIA SUCKS AND SHOULD GET OFF THE N!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHO ELSE HERE AGREES WITH ME!!!??
Taryn (over walkie-talkie): TANANDA! Get out of there! You’re at the N message board! Get out you fool! I'll cover you! MOVE NOW!
Tananda: *logs off* The things I saw... He... HE... OH DEAR LORD! *breaks down*
Taryn: Tananda... Why? Why? Of all the links...
*****
THE-N MESSAGE BOARD SURVIVORS MEETING
Some guy with Glasses and a pimp cane : And then... They told me... That *sniff* THEY SAID DARIA SUCKS! *goes into violent rampage, throwing chairs*
Counselor: Eric! Calm down! I see your reactions are getting better. Now everyone, we have a new friend to meet.
Tananda: *still sounds shaky* Umm, Hi. My name is Tananda. Before The M (voice cracks) The incident, I had a happy life, I was an avid poster at the SFMB, and the PPMB, I had Daria fan fiction about me, life was good. But then, One dark and stormy night, I found... THE SITE.
*****
FLASH BACK SCENE.
Tananda is back at her computer. She's looking at what looks to be a normal Daria site. She looks at the great graphics, and smiles, collecting all of them,
Tananda: Links? Yeah right! Like there's any I haven't seen! *She clicks on the link anyway* Hmm... Outpost, book marked... PPMB, please... hmm? What’s this? A message board!
*****
MEETING AGAIN
close up on Tananda's face as she looks horrified and saddened at her memory. She starts to weep a little.
Tananda: My whole Vision of Daria... it was... ruined! I... I...I can't take it anymore! *She starts to turn purple in the face* AHHHHHH! *She runs out of the room, wielding a pitchfork, and a list of e-mails*
Counselor: TANANDA! THAT IS *NOT* PART OF THE PROGRAM! COME BACK!